so I hid behind ur love
I hid behind my pain
to justify my love
to justify the hurt
to justify in wanting u
to justify in needing u
fo me..

so I wrapped myself in self denial
wrapped myself in ur love
wrapped myself up so tight that I need nth else but u..

m I really e 2nd best in ur eyes that I must fight if I want us to work?
or is she really e 2nd best that u claimed that u must fight if u want
us to work?

then y r u still marrying her?
y m I still hurting lik a carving knife did sm work,
still crying here nite aft nite,
still sitting here alone n cold, when u left?

the morbid thoughts came unbidden
as e world around her marches on wo a pause
as e blade drew 2 red lines on both her wrists
as e world spins n spins n spins

as e blood drip drip drips and color her bed a lovely red
as her heart beat beat beats and pumps out her life
as her life drains and escape through the lines
as she smiles her sad smile and closes her eyes
says a lil prayer before she bids e world gdnite

her heart full of love and pain
her mind full of gd memories of them
she says her final blessings to invisible ghosts
to watch over them n wishes happiness on them
she departs this love
this heart
this life
this reality

and bids 'hello' to lady twinkle
the temptress of insanity
she descends through e planes of reality to fly like e wind in
surreality
ah
e blessed isle of talking doorknobs and colored winds..

a piercing scream
tt broke glasses and eardrums
a scream
tt contained all her fury n misery

e horses whinnied in fear
while e babies cried
e men brought out their pitchforks
and women huddled in fright

and e witchhunt begun

like now, m drinkin alone, waitin fo e sky to fall I guess.
since I feel lik shit and I feel like my world's crumbling ard me, it
wouldn't surprise me if e damn sky falls.
with iphone, it makes it possible fo me to just light a tealight to
chase away e gloom and curl up w a can of beer AND post this.

he's getting married n he's a jackass.
m now officially an insane idiot w really bad luck and possibly taste
in guys.

k9 says tt I like mboy, no matter how hard I deny it.
idk.
while mboy says tt I stil heart eekgy.
idk about tt too.

armed w a fresh pack of cigs n a can of beer, she sat n pondered.
who is e one residing in her heart of hearts??
she dk.
she searched fo her hearts bt found none.

*giggle*

a right heartless bitch is our lil gal.

a brush of fingers
a touch of flesh
torn clothings strewn around e rm a testament to their frenzy
bruised lips and bruised flesh
cries of pleasure pierced e night
they went up in flames
they saw e stars

but what is left in e comin dawn when this consuming addiction is all
that they have left?

she forgot his scent
forgot e feel of his arms brushing her hair back
forgot e feel of his lips on her forehead, on her head, on her
fingers, on her palm
forgot e grip of his fingers entwined w hers
forgot e feel of his arms around her

run run run away
lost lost lost my mind
want u to stay
want u to be my prize..

I don't know how e hell she managed to 'lun' almost 30yrs w daddyhamm
e mt of debts she had to pay
e amounts of mouth she put up w
e many heartaches she suffered thru e yrs
e disappoints

apart fr e debts, I guess m lik daddyhamm in respect to her.
well, and I do do housework. tho daddyhamm nv lifted a finger.

we caused her pain but still she stuck by.

e only conclusion I can come up w is
she really love us

me

omg. (huge WTF??)

tt he each time he met me, he lied to his wife.
I was flabbergasted and pointed out tt his room looked masculine in
devoid of any wifely/childrenly stuff.
he explained tt they've their own plc, that he had been bringing me to
his boyhood room at his parent's.

well, the dream then petered out to us sitting down at a dessert shop
n me ordering custard beancurd and e auntie offering me ridiculous
toppings fo it.
(and producing huge ass papaya and watermelon fr nowhere, insisting
they taste nice w e beancurd. -.-")

I relayed e dream to him and he was so amused by it.
said tt now tt the truth's out, he doesn't have to lie to me anymore.

seriously? *roll eyes*

'i'll leave u if u really has got wife and kids'

'i'l divorce her fo u'

'and e kids?'

'she can have them, I dun want any'

'wat?? n if I get preg??'

*short pause*

'u give birth lo. I take care'

riiiteee...

m not dumb.
welll...

maybe just v stupid.
*self deprecating laughter*
but it felt nice to hear him say he wants my kids more.
haha.

we really r kinda screwed up huh?

or maybe just me.

addicted to him
though I truly believe hez addicted to me too

at least I want to believe.