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lots of mixed feelings.
most of all,
i felt GUILT. in caps.
it keeps bubbling up in me. then, i'll push down -hard- on the feeling by telling myself that 'everything's fine, everything's swell'. but the sneaking suspision that i could have done more, did better, was like a pesky fly buzzing happily round mi; irritating.
what marc said struck mi hard.
regarding the chanting, i told marc that i did not know what i should do. should i chant just to please them, or stood my ground and absolutely refused to chant?
he said i should
while i argued that it's not fair. i'd be lying, a hypocriscy act. and if i chant, i'l need to continue doing so till everyone's dead except mi, since after my dad died (touch wood) i'l need to continue for the sake of my mom, for she would have lost her love.
he insist i was being ridiculous, that i should not think so damn far, that i should just do it to make my dad happy,
that i was only thinking of myself.
of course, it did cross my pea-sized brain before, but it still came as a shock, coming from someone's mouth.
i felt doubly bad.
though dad had settled this chanting thing. he hates chanting too. he didnt mind it much when people come and chant for him, without him having to do anything, but when mom kept insisting he join in, he switched sides.
but marc's words stuck.
if i was being so bloody selfish regarding such trifle matter, i must have been a bloody bitch about everything else, no?
so tell mi, how do i act saint when im only human?
sighz.
maybe someone can slap mi or something when i screw up again. punishment reinforce the importance of not slipping, aye?
it is their sense of space and time.
they see through the here,
the now,
into the vast black deep beyond,
the unchanging.
and that is fatal to life.
for,
eventually,
there will be no life;
there was once only the dust particles in space,
the hot hydrogen gases, nothing more.
and it will come again. this is an interval,
the cosmic process is hurrying on,
crushing life back into the granite and methane;
the wheel turns for all life.
