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ABOUT = {what i've}
LINKS = {been looking for}
TAG = {all this time}
i'm on the verge of collapse.
if there's such a thing.
i want so much to scream and shout
but i refused to make such a scene.
i fall in and out of love,
so fast my head spins.
i fall in and out of grace,
sorry GOD,
i know i've sinned.
perhaps time will really tell,
perhaps time will really heal
but who will have that patience?
who will be that next victim?
still waiting for him to patch mi back.
still waiting for life to pat my back.
still waiting for that love that never arrived.
still waiting for the world to give mi a high-five.
i know im not making much sense. but then again, my world isn't making much sense either. i long to shut my tired mind from this noisy world. i long to see the day he walks back to mi. i long to hear a praise from my mom. i long to shed this clothes i've donned to mask my ugliness.
why am i not satisfied with what i already have? isn't it enough?
and she answered herself in a soft whisper,
"enough is never enough."
when did it happened?
when had the roles been reversed?
why has he been reduced to a hapless heap of bones?
where had my hero gone?
when did my shelter collapse?
was i really so blind?
or was i wrong to have chosen ignorance as my lie?
when will i accept the reality that has been slapping my face,
nudging my arm and poking mi in the ribs for so long?
shredding my life to pieces.
cuts so deep.
a little girl looking up at her hero,
that was years ago.
now she looks down at him,
curled up in his sleep.
all his past splendors,
all her past awe,
turned to dust
like wailing of last night's banshee.
will i walk up from all this with my sanity intact?
.
or will my perverted mind be better off insane?
.
.
.
time wait for no one.
.
.
.
so why do i feel as if it has stopped?
.
.
.
will the feeling of being loved override the feeling of loss?
.
am i searching fo something that never existed?
.
.
.
i...
.
.
.
ran into hiding.
.
confusion reigned.
.
reality mixed with fantasy.
.
nightmares merged with dreams.
.
.
.
eyes darting, heart searching.
.
paranoia gripped.
.
suffocating, grasping for breath.
.
m i even breathing?
.
.
.
i missed twinkie.
the sudden collapse of an empire.
the end of a great era.
the plunge into despair.
disorientation. confusion. panic stricken.
an empty castle.
its color long gone.
its life long vanished.
what's left is only remenants of past glory.
what else can be more painful than a loss?
than the feeling of having had and lost?
FUCK!!
I WANNA SCREAM!!!
but of course, the best course of action is to keep my silence and pray hard that i wake up from this, from all this. but itz so fucking hard.
i wanna thrash around.
i wanna lash out.
i wanna scream and shout.
but i can only smile.
be strong, girl!
you are a strong girl!
how long more must i kid myself.
how long more need you deceive mi?
the wheel of life is still spinning.
itz the game of wits im failing.
oh. i see.
it was just a game..
the sweet nothings he whispered,
so softly yet amazingly clear.
his warm breath upon my ears,
was it his words im hearing?
or was it my brains hoodwinked into thinking i heard?
a sudden adrenaline rush.
an impulse, reckless behaviour.
could i really trust this guy?
i don't know.
i can only see myself swimming in his eyes.
the lure of physical satisfaction.
the need for physical comfort.
a wave of heat crashed.
a sense of airlessness.
floating, flying, soaring.
dancing. dance. dance.
an inability to articulate simple words.
so tongue tied.
the fool leading the blind
or was it the blind leading the fool?
train of thoughts derailed.
strings of words broken.
im such a fool.
brain's swimming, swimming.
dizzy, dizzy.
fizzy, fizzy.
when will i come around?
will the truth have to whack me in the face before i do?
heart's hurting, hurting.
fuzzy, fuzzy.
wozzy, wozzy.
will the throbbing ever stop?
or will i bleed to death before it all ends?
the curse has been set,
on her who craves what she ought not have.
may her prey be blessed,
lest she devour him bones and flesh.
the chase is on.
perhaps i should forget more thoroughly...
perhaps i should forget more thoroughly...
her heart beats wildly, the awaited call rang. she thought it would be someone else. someone she was supposed to meet. she couldn't believe it when his name appeared on the phone. her heart thumped wildly, threatening to burst out of its ripcage, her brain spun wildly, out of control, she opened her mouth.
and turned him down.
oh, what a fool!
she was too afraid of being hurt again to take that step. the step which, to her, was leading to the prison cell, where she would lose her freedom in return for what little warmt he is willing to give her. and to her, that is not a fair exchange. no. she wanted more.
perhaps it was just a case of her not really in love with him, for if she was, she would have grabbed every little time, every little warmt, every little thing thrown out by him. alas, it was not the case.
or maybe she was playing hard to get, masking her true intend through her harsh words, her elaborate show of surrounding herself with an air of nochalance, her refusal to give in to him, her unwillingness to run the extra mile for him.
perhaps she was just afraid.
afraid of being the fool again, afraid of the hurt, the deceit and the lies involved. too tired to suspect, so naive that she believed, too stupid to play the game of hearts.
maybe she had read too much into it. maybe it was just a fling.
then, why does her heart still hurts?
