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ABOUT = {what i've}
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TAG = {all this time}
how nice it'l be if i can fast forward my life,
just zap zap and get all the pain, all the heartaches over and done with.
but a second will always be a second, a minute is never an hour,
life must be lived in accordance to time.
been eating a lot.
comfort food, so u said.
getting so round and fat,
total opposite from my dad.
the irony.
my brain's becoming slow,
memory's near non-existance.
sometimes, my dreams get mixed with reality,
vice versa.
i climbed out of bed, staggered to the bathroom, showered and had breakfast.
only to find out that, damn, i was still in bed,
when mom shook mi.
my world seemed to have slowed to a crawl.
just crouching, stalling, watching.
waiting for that final showdown,
that final moment,
the last breath.
emo emo emo.
maybe i should just sit and watch mamemo.
sighz.
hate things i cant control.
afraid of shadows lurking in the snow.
refused to let fate decide.
itz laws i cant abide.
but he doesn't cooperate,
only thinks i wanna paint the town red,
that m a freaky matron,
who hits on his head with a baton.
***
he meant the world to mi but i cant help but cringe when i touch him.
it hurts. it hurts. it hurts.
it hurts so bad.
i can see all his bones.
i can hear all his cries.
like an earthquake rumbling through my heart.
a storm cooking between my ears.
and the headache reigned.
u said this are all part and parcel of life,
that i must be strong for my mom when the time comes and he goes.
that i must prepare her mentally for that departure.
i must, all the i must.
i must be insane.
heaven and hell are the same place.
itz just a matter of opinions.
there is no new country, no new sea.
only the same old city
shadows u night and day.
he's home.
discharged home.
finally.
but there goes my life.
sighz.
have i any in the 1st place?
i guess not.
he's worse than before.
hardly ever stop groaning, unless hez asleep.
hez on morphine, so hez mostly either stoned or vomiting or stuck in the loo.
he refuses to eat properly, insisting on junks.
of course, we let him.
don't know if he knows.
his journey's almost come to a close.
no one's got the heart to confirm a dying man's worse fears.
but hasn't he a right to know his plight?
drained.
so feel like doing something rebellious.
getting pissed or something.
nah.
too lame.
can anyone suggest something wild that doesn't break any laws?
feel like i can only live through the lives of the characters in the books i read.
now life so monotonous,
the only interesting thing that could happen is prolly his demise.
*touch wood*
spend a night with him?
that would be something.
at least a warm body to tuck in to.
and he does have a great body.
woohoo.
u will spend your life
in the same dim suburb.
in the same house grow grey.
hez still lying there.
so small, so frail, so fragile.
my heart contracts at the sight.
i couldn't bear looking at him.
i couldn't.
but i must. i must.
for hez my daddy dearest.
my hero gone to waste.
reduced to zero,
his once beautiful,
now shallow face.
so tired.
head throbbing.
piercing pain.
felt like head was being split open.
voices.
voices screaming in my head.
screaming and crying.
crying and screaming.
what the fuck are they trying to say??
shut up, fucking fools!!
but no...
they kept going.
the noise is killing mi.
head's spinning terribly.
dear confident.
i don't know if you chose the right path.
i don't know if i chose the right path by walking with u.
i prolly didn't.
but itz your game we're playing so i must adhere to your rules.
but all i've gained is just a sinking feeling of emptiness.
a huge void waiting to be filled.
u can promise mi nothing.
u can give mi nothing.
nothing i really need.
i've let my heart lead.
now im doomed.
i love u.
but u shall never know it.
u can never know it.
dearest star.
my guiding light.
thanks for your concern.
thanks for your calls.
thanks for everything.
i wouldn't have remained sane thus far without u.
i love u.
u already knew it.
dearest bro.
im glad to have u.
really.
there was a point of time i seriously considered giving u up.
setting u free.
but i cant seem to do that.
im stuck.
i love u lots.
u've better believe it.
dearest dim.
thanks for that blog.
sorrie i haven't been around.
i haven't the time.
i haven't the energy.
so sorrie.
i love u too.
even when we don't see each other much.
dearest mooz.
thanks for the curry.
i love u.
ur the sweetest.
dearest dog.
thanks for the fags.
i love u too.
where's my ride?
the two voices continued their symphony.
they sounded very familiar.
they sounded like mi.
somebody please stop this horrible music.
thanks.
