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TAG = {all this time}
i couldna move, couldna speak,
couldna believe ma eyes.
was that really him alright?
and naught ma ugly eyes playing tricks under the light?
rooted to the ground i was,
amazed still by his beauty.
ma heart had found him out even afore ma eyes did.
stunned and shocked at the feelings he unleashed in me,
panic coursed through my whole body.
as soon as i recovered my senses,
i ran.
hid myself from him,
prayed hard he pass me by unseen,
alas,
i needna have worried,
i was unheard, ignored and unmissed.
that reunion reopened auld wounds.
it brought back ghosts best left dead.
it brought back memories that shouldna be remembered in the first place.
it brought back feelings i fought hard to keep at bay.
it brought back a yearning that couldna br fulfiled.
how could someone so gentle be so cruel?
how could someone so familar act so aloof?
how could ye disremember someone so fast?
how did i survived without ye for so long?
i couldna stand it.
the scenes repeating itself over and over in ma head.
i couldna look at ye and pretend that i dinna ken ye.
the sinking feeling i felt when ye passed me by,
kening ye saw me but was unwilling to acknowledge my presence.
im afraid to face the world.
im ashamed of this ugly being i'v becomed.
i used to think me pretty,
not very but not unpleasant to look at,
used to think ma life perfect,
used to ken i was happy.
because i had ye with me.
with ye by ma side,
everything else was secondary,
the skys could fall,
the storms could rage,
the lands enveloped in the oceans
and i wouldna have noticed.
because ye all i need.
ye all i had.
all i wanted.
but now that i'v lost ye,
im still standing.
alone but still standing,
broken but surviving.
a life worse than death.
mmm...
wed went to bank with my mama but the damn bank was closed when we reached. damn.
then, we went gai-gai.
my gawd.
shopping my feet ar~
it was the longest day of my life.
so farkin bo-o-r-rinzzZ.........
looking at auntie clothes and pots and pans for the whole day.
bugged her to head home after dinner.
phew~ canna stand 'shopping' with her.
it feels more like punishment then enjoyment.
bleah.
there was this two boys who tried to 'ren shi' mi.
they looked like, what, 15yrs old???
*roll eyes*
told them im already 19 so fark off, and im not interested at all.
guess what?
they donna believe mi!!!
fark la~ im 19 lor.
then, in fishers,
therez this group of guys who approached mi when crz when to the ladies.
so i told them that my friend is in the ladies.
when crz came back,
i told her what happened but we dinna do anything about it.
after awhile,
some of the guys went down to the sands.
donna know what they'r doin or thinkin.
then, they asked us to join them for a drink.
crz declined flatly and commented that 'they'r like a bunch of kids'
though they looked like, erm, 25?
heez~
after fishers,
we went to the playground to sit on the swings.
fun.
but after awhile i felt giddy so i stopped swinging and pushed crz.
^v^
fun.
sat went to xiaogez house for Enxiz 1month birthday.
shez so cute.
*grin*
wait till dage developed the pix then 'l upload them.
shez super cute.
ya after the buffet, we went for a movie.
watched willy wonka.
my gawd.
ITZ THE STUPIDEST SHOW EVER!!!!
gotta warn crz n gfz,
itz really really not worth the money.
almost fall asleep can???
went to meet marc after that.
sat at cartels cuz the stupid dog want to watch soccer.
lame.
hate scoccer.
watch xiaoge play ps2 soccer the whole afernoon le lor
bleahx.
waited for mooz then we walked around the private estates, talking.
mooz bought 2pairs of earrings in gardens that night.
heez~ she go where shop till where.
pei fu.
anwz, we wanted to walk a second round but halfway thru,
marc called us.
mooz and marc bickered on where t go.
oh ya~*slaps head*
marcz fren was there too, erm, cant rem his name.
ya both his fren and i had a 'fun' time watching them diss each other the whole night.
heez~
in the end, we decided to go to kensington park.
sat on swings again.
this time, i literally really just sat there. heez~
once bitten, twice shy. heez~
mooz was swing then she suddenly shouted,
telling us to stop her.
bleahx. (-x-)
after that, we sat down on the benches in the shelter and chit-chat.
i kept complaining that why do i have to heat everything twice.
dang~
marc commented on this email he saw,
therez like 2jap eatin vomit.
yuk.
itz damn gross lor.
farkin gross.
i nearly puked lor.
eyes were tearing and everything le.
damn dog~
then we went to chomp chomp for supper.
after that,
itz home sweet home.
(marc was still tormenting mi with e jap-eat-puke story when i reached home.
farkin asshole.)
just read jingz blog.
itz been a long time since i read any blogs.
i did want to accompany her for drinks.
i changed and i got ready.
i did.
but they cancelled it.
jing~ lets go for drinks sometime.
lest im made to feel guilt
on top of all my other raging emotions.
jing~ i have a confession to make.
i did see message asking if i have his no.
i did.
i did see the message and i did have his no.
i just couldnt bear to see his name anymore.
it hurts more now than it did the last few months
because realisation has drawn mi.
hez never coming back.
never ever.
it felt more real now than the last month.
i felt real bad after reading ya blog,
knowing ya combed the whole s'goon.
i guess im in a worse state than u though,
i walked the roads in hope of a glimpse of him,
not in hopes of finding him so that i can be near him.
letz go for a drink sometime.
She can overcast the night and cloud the moon,
and make the Devil obedient to her croon.
At midnight hours over the kirkyard she raves,
digging unchristened weans out of their graves;
Boils up their livers in a warlock's pow,runs widdershins about hemlocks low;
and seven times does her prayers backwards pray.
Then, mixed with venom of black toads and snakes,
of these unsousy picture oft she makes
of anyone she hates--and makes them expire
with cruel and racking pains afore a fire:
Stuck full of pins the devilish pictures melt:
The pain by folk they represent is felt
whilst she and her cat sit howling in her yard.
--allan ramsay,
seventeenth-century scottish poet--
feel like im fading, fading, fading away...
like a ghost of yester year who had seen better days,
like a defeated warrior gone to waste,
like a stolen memory fading away.
softly, so none could hear.
swiftly, so none could catch.
i feel myself fading away.
getting fainter everyday..
how much longer before i pass?
slowly but surely,
dissolving into the air.
becoming a forgotten memory, a distant call.
