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FRIDAY, 24 JUNE 2005
zoo gathering!!
though a very boring one.. so sorry guys.. my bad.. didnt plan properly.. but there really was much to do when everyone is so darn broke. i mean, we pooled money just to get jing a slice of cake. ya~ sat 25th june was her birthday.
anywayz, we met in chomp chomps.. fifi was there with sheila and gang, debz and dean were the 1 to reach. by the time i arrived, they like finished a plate of fried oyster li.. dang~ i dont eat oysters but i like the egg.. heez~ anywayz debz was hungree. but we r a bit strez~ scared wait by the time jing reach, we all chi bao bao yao hui jia le. haha. so we ordered food slowly, biddin our time.
jing and den were fashionably late. haha. and we have finished stingray and chicken wings waiting for them. ordered kangkong, satay, cha kuay (dean doesnt know whatz cha kuay.. strez~ he only know whatz cai tao kuay.. keke) and den ordered fried tau hu and stuff.
then we went to sit at cartel. dont know where to go... no money sux..
wanted to go marc hus. but he dont let us go. blehz. *makes a face* he explain say he doesnt want den to go his house cuz his parents dont like him. dang~
so we all sat at cartel like idiots watching tv. haha. stupid dean say i got receding hairline. dean, u stupid dim wit!!!! my hair is thin and my hair is super fine.. BUT IT IS NOT RECEDING!!!! nearly pinched his nipple out. wahaha~ (dont tell mrs skunk) hehez~
we were watching dont-know what show. it was talking about some murderer who cut up his victim. den dean commented on some murderer who cut up the victim to cook curry. den he started squezing my arm and said my arm look delicious... *experated look* strez~ and guess what?
HE ASKED MI IF HE CAN BITE MY ARM!! diaoz~ (- -") strez~ bleahx.
R U NUTS? Y WOULD I LET U BITE MI??? haha..
ya then while we were waiting for the rest of the peps to fall in when we were in chomp chomps, dean commented that hez a bit paranoid of my anna sui ring. haha. kok him trice with it. heez~ hit him dont know how many more thimes that day. stupid dim.. keke..
anywayz, we left quite early, by my standards. but everyone was falling asleep. haha. especially dim. stupid mr skunk.. sorrie.. ur very nice to scold. keke.
anywayz i headed back to yi hus with dim. he lived quite near. yupz~ and he send mi home. not bad huh.. deanie zhang da le.. not like last time the blur blur dim.. haha..
SATURDAY, 24 JUNE 2OO5
CHINABLACK...AGAIN...
went to black on sat.. again.. ha. anywayz, the only reason i got to go was cuz it was free entry!! haha.. so long no club le. so long nv go to black without having to pay le. keke.
kena scolded bt mooz that day. nearly caused her to buang. strez~ lucky no harm done *phew* called her while she was driving. anywayz, MOOZ WENT TO BLACK ON SAT TOO!!!
but..
SHE WAS DANCING WITH HER JEREMY ON PLAFORM THE WHOLE TIME............
and so i didnt get to dance with her. blehz. *pulls a face*
black was so darn packed that day!!! obviously cuz of the free entry.. a lot of weirdos there too.. dang~ okay.. not that weird.. but when did all the bungs flock to black?? never seen so many of them in black before.. and there was a lot of big lumps of fats there.. OMG~ can u imagine seeing lumps of fats bouncing on the dancefloor?? and imagine someone small like mi being step on by them.. *ouch* haha.. just kidding.. but the muts r v entertaining.. was watching them dance. they have some really hilarious moves, at least kor thought so.. but there was a malay gal there.. my goodness... she sure can shake.. not just her ass.. she was shaking everything.. haha..
ya and there was a freak show again. haha. bartender stripped his top and started washing his hair. diaoz~ (- -") wth~ rubbish.. so fat sumor.. kor should strip.. wahaha~ but kor also fat.. oppz~ *keke~ chuckles* hehe. but kor alot more.. erm.. toned. yupz~ should think so.. haha..
went for you tiao and dou hua after we left black. didnt really wanna eat.. but was forced to by kor and siling. (- -") not nice one.. bleh.
after that it was home sweet home lo..
haiz~ must not get too used to kor man~ so grateful mi got kor. *beams* but mi scared mi will got too attached and one day he will abandon mi just like someone. hez so nice to lean on. very sturdy. hehe. but. he will leave mi one day. hehe. when he finds a gf. (>.<)
ya chatted with ah baoz for awhile just now online. i must explain. he said hi 1st!!!! wahaha~ but it was only awhile la. he called mi ah zhu. *practically floating* haha. kiddinz. the floating part. i must admit im happy we chatted. i dont know. i know we r impossible le. but i still feel like hez on his mia thing only. i dont know what to think. so i guess i shall not think. so i need to read again. take my mind off stuff. live in someone elsez fantasy. fansinating. haha. i must be insane.
myths and legends,
sweet fairytales,
bedtimestories and lullabies,
once upon a time...
i wish to be happy.
really really happy.
not those temporary happiness derived from retail therapy,
not those temporary relief from geting knocked out by drinking,
not those temporary enjoyment from eating crates of chocolates,
but the feeling of being happy for no good reason.
havent been smiling much.
felt like the dark, depressing curtains had been dropped again.
shutting out all my light,
causing mi to lose my way,
to trip over items meaning to cause mi pain and tears.
unknowingly,
i plunged headfirst to my death.
i ran.
i hid.
i retreated to my little shell.
too many times.
too many times i had done this.
too many time i had been a coward.
too many times i had hid in my little cosy cove to nurse my wounds in private.
too many times i had been hurt.
i want to be happy again.
i want to be so happy.
i want to be like a child again.
carefree and careless...
i want to be able to dare to love freely..
to give all i have again..
i still have so much to offer.
still have so much to share.
but instead,
i drew further and further away from the people i know,
people i loved,
people who loved me..
i didnt dare face anyone.
i was ashamed.
i was hurt.
i am still hurting.
but i dont know why.
he had moved on.
so why cant i??
demented. torn. hurt. pain. sorrow. disgrace. shame. torment. fallen angel. raging war. sins. insanity. distorted images. inhuman self inflicted scars. heartbroken. bent.
my kor is back!!!!!!!
wahahahahahahaha~
hez back!!!!
hehe~ meeting him for coffee later..
woohoo~
love yidaz ' 那女孩对我说 ' .. damn saddening, the mtv.. damn suit my mood..
jer put ' itz over. ur outa my mind, dun come back in'
really hurt...
nothing can describe the pain..
i think.
so wanna bawl my eyes out..
but i found no tears..
they seemed to have dried all by themselves..
where have they gone..
deserted mi just as he did..
i wanna slp forever..
just lie there and dream..
dream my fantasy..
i wanna live forever in my fantasy..
omg~ i like this guy~ *hysterix* wahaha~ cuz of one song.. erm.... and i cant even remember the songz name now. strez~ hmmm... wth~ some sad songs la.. this is the first time i heard him sing. yupz~ before that, i didnt really cared about who he is and stuff, but one song later, voila~ a lovestruck fan-ci.. haha~ oh ya~ didnt even intro who this guy is. hez HUANG YIDA *beams* hmmm.. zell really does look like him. when yida is on tv. pix not so much of a resemblence.. think only andy will know who the h*ll mi talkin about. heez~ oh ya!!!! *slaps head* itz andyz birthday!! yupz~ already wished him happy birthday last night but..... happy happy birthday!!!! may all your wishes come true.. play hard, study smart and eat more choco!!! hehe~ sorrie i cant make it to ur party~ hope u will enjoy it!!! hope u enjoyed partyin last night too!!! (>.<) 
rainy afternoon..
dang~
hate rainy afternoons.. *whine*
makes mi so lethargic..
sloth..
mi!!! (>.<) heez~
cant help being one when im holed up inside the house.........
with all itz windows closed so that the stuff doesnt get wet and rot.. *roll eyes*
bored..
so bored!!! *pulls hair*
nothing to do in this house except to read..
lucky for mi, i found anything to read at all which i'v not read before...
lame..
stupid book!!!! endingz so f*ckin lame!!
so pissed off!! to think i spent the last 8hours reading it!!!
grrrrrrrr............ *fuming*
constricted..
is how my heart felt when i have too much time on my hands and too little things to do,
and i start wondering where the h*ll we went wrong?
and i start blaming myself for all that has happened.
and start craving for human contact, for a social life.
and start believing that im a failure.
and actually convince myself.
i let it fall,
watched it collapse,
aided itz demise,
planned itz failure,
i destroyed it.
but now,
itz time.
time to rise and live again...
haha~think i'v been playing sims2 for too long le!!! and the 'woohoo' is like so stuck to my brains.. hehe~ made my sims do all sorts of rubbish. wahaha~ *evil laughter* but itz kinda getting boring to play.. must really control the people like siao.. lame~
anywayz~ not here to talk about the game..
im here to brag about my purchases!!! haha~ kiddinz~ nothing to brag about.. im so g*dd*mn broke!!! *boohoo* *sobz sobz*
mi went shopping with crz today!! tried quite a lot of stuff.. *grins* heez~ had our lunch in mosburger.. seems a long time since i last ate it.. haha~ told her i wasnt that hungree.. but i ate with such lavish that i surprised myself.. *smiles sheepishly*
mi wanted to get a beige top from mango.. but didnt. cuz i dont think it looked good on though i liked it when it was still on the hanger. heez~ lucky never buy ah~ saw this cute yellow top in ozoc right after we left mango. wahaha~ itz so nice!! *big big BIG grin* it looks alright on mi but felt like a bit too big.. maybe i'l alter it, though i'v no idea if it can be altered cuz of the lace. hmmm.. shall bring it and ask the uncle..
i know.. itz just a top.. but mi so love it!! wahaha~ oh ya~ bought an orange sports bra too.. hehe~
ya~ i should so stop shopping man~ so fr**king broke now!!! and i still have a long list of stuff i want and stuff to do.. retail therapy s*x~ but i enjoyed it while itz in progress.. only dislike it when i run through the stuff i wanna buy and realise i dont have enough money to!!! dang~
lets see..
[01] top of my list, i seriously need to TRIM MY HAIR.. itz so all over the place now.. dang~
[02] erm.. nothing much to do with shopping, but with it, i can shop like mad.. I NEED A F*CKIN FILTHY RICH BOYFRIEND!!! wahaha~
[03] I NEED A JOB!!! or the boyfriend.. whichever one cross my path 1st.. *bats eyelids*
(the rest of the wants are in random order)
[04] i need to SLIM DOWN..? so that i can fit into all those pretty pretty clothes.. heez~
[05] a seriously cute TELEPHONE in far east. u hnow those olden type ones? those u can actually really dial instead of modern phones where u press the buttons??
[06] a WATCH from the same shop. the graphics on the face of the watch is quite cool.. but the watch seems a bit big on myaem.. dang~ shall go back and try it..
[07] fossil watch, the star star 1..
[08] BIRKENSTOCK sandals!!! oh man~ i'v tried them.. so sad.. the smallest size for the style i want is TOO BIG for mi!!!! wtf~ dont tell mi gotta buy childrenz lor.. i refuse to settle for kidz sandals!!! i will buy the adult 1 anywayz.. wahaha~
[09] LEVIS jeans.. just wanna buy them.. although i'v tried and it doesnt suit mi.. btw~ wanna buy and will buy is different k? wanna buy is just the stage where u get infatuated with the stuff and u want it but at the same time, dont have the finance to, and so shall consider it when u have money.. by my terms..
[10] a GREEN TUBE crz actually offered to buy for mi, but i refused.. she offered to buy mi a tee but mi think that itz too long, so i tried the tube.. she commented that itz a bit too messy, but I LOVE IT!! wahaha~ so i will prolly go back for it when i have the finance to, provided itz still there *cross fingers* cant expect her to pay for mi right?? my big star not working lerz.. haha~
[11] whoa~ the list is long man~ I WANNA EAT MUDPIES,
[12] coffeebeanz BROWNIES,
[13] CHOCOLATE CAKES,
[14] subwayz DOUBLE CHOCO COOKIE
[15] famous amos COOKIES
[16] SNICKERS
[17] MARS
[18] HERSHEYS
[19] M&Ms
[20] another TOP FROM OZOC which caught my fancy but didnt try or buy cuz it seemed to BIG!!!
[21] last but not least, I WANNA GROW TALLE!!!! so that i can look better in all those clothes.. wahaha~ but itz too far fetched.. *boohoo* so i aint gonna dwell on this last 'want'.. *sniff sniff*
right.. im sure my list is so much longer than this. but i cant remember the rest now and i dont wanna bore u guys.. though im damn sure u already are.. heez~ *smiles sweetly*
shall stop here. night guyz~
i thought i'v forgotten him...
for a minute...
just a passing second...
and suddenly,
as soon as i thought i had forgotten,
i remembered...
every inch of him..
every smell..
every touch..
so vivid.. so cystal clear...
stil etched in my memories..
so many times i fought to forget..
so many times i failed..
love can make one so gullible..
so blind to facts..
he dangled a carrot and i readliy followed..
he threw mi a bone and i greedily jumped for it..
he handed mi a catnip and being the fool,
i sat contented..
like a kite, he played mi.
when he needs mi,
he pulled mi close..
when he doesnt,
he just let go..
i'v long lost control..
a loyal court jester, a willing fool..
a lovely maiden, a gorgeous match..
a wicked heart, an apple turned bad..
a desperate wish, a miracle waiting to hatch..
I didn't mean it
When I said I didn't love you so
I should have held on tight
I never should've let you go
I did nothing
I was stupid
I was foolish
I was lying to myself
I could not fathom that I would ever
Be without your love
Never imagined I'd be
Sitting here beside myself
I didn't know you
I didn't know me
But I thought I knew everything
I never felt
The feeling that I'm feeling now
Now that I don't
Hear your voice
Or even touch or even kiss your lips
Cause I don't have a choice
What I wouldn't give
To have you lying by my side
We belong together
chorus:
When you leftI lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby please
We belong together
Who else am I gonna lean on
When times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone
Till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place
Baby nobody else
We belong together
I can't sleep at night
When you're all on my mind
Bobby Womack's on the radio
Singing to me
'If you think you're lonely now'
Wait a minute
This is too deep, too deep
I gotta change the station
So I turn the dial
Trying to catch a break
And then I hear Babyface
I only think of you
And it's breaking my heart
I'm trying to keep it together
But I'm falling apart
I'm feeling all out of my element
I'm throwing things
Crying
Trying to figure out
Where the hell I went wrong
The pain reflected in this song
Ain't even half of whatI'm feeling inside
I need you
Need you back in my life baby
chorus
Repeat chorus
When you leftI lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby please
We belong together
Who else am I gonna lean on
When times get rough
Who's gonna talk to me
Till the sun comes up
Who's gonna take your place
Baby nobody else
We belong together
Maria Carey
We belong together
yupz~ itz true.. im officially unemployed.. dunno if i shd be happy or not.. no job=no income=no money.. sianz~ but for now, im enjoying the slacker lifestyle unemployment provides.. (>.<) till mi run out of money, that is, pretty soon, i guess.. heez~
argh~ i miss my kor!!!! without him, my weekends seems so empty!! nobody ask mi out, no one to nag at mi, no one to go club with, no one to 'sha jiao' to..
anywayz~ to update on whatz happening in my life
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nothing much to blog about i guess..
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just kiddinz~ haha.. enjoyed my weekend thoroughly!! heez~
FRIDAY, JUNE 10 2005
got my hugz from dabaoz early in the morn 5am.. whoa~hoho~ heez~ *grins from ear to ear* went to nyp together. miss him so much!! loved his hugs and kisses!! =x but we'r just 'great frenz'.. dang~ passed by marcz lab but no see signs of the lazybones anywhere. asked him and he said he went to have lunch..
*gastric* damn lame.. gastric when we have free pizzas and kfc from florence??? but i still stuffed myself with food after staring at them for awhile. cant tahan watching them eat but i cant. heez~ *smiles sheepishly*
went to fishermans with crz dearest! *beams* was so so so late.. not surprising u'l say.. heez~ i noe.. but it wasnt my fault that day.. whoa~ feels so good to be able to say that without guilt.. wahaha~ had to tie up loose ends that day as it was my last day in the office. yupz~ stayed back till about 7+ and that was the time im supposed to have reached pasir ris and started eating dinner with crz le.. strez~
lucky auntie annaz fren drove mi there. but the ride was abit bumpy, so felt quite green after the ride. but the ride was timely. thanx mrs i-cant-remember-ur-name-but-thanx-anywayz! *nods sincerely and profusely*
met crz and dan in white sands and had dinner in magic wok. food there sux. *makes a face* everything taste wrong. my beef kway teow taste.... erm.... sweet? yucks~ after that, dan went to meet his fren while mi n crz went off to fishermans~ whoahoho~
sky looked threatening. drizzled for awhile and we like changed seat twice. heez~ but did not regret trying our luck and crossing our fingers when we decided to go ahead. heez~ because...
I SAW A SHOOTING STAR!!!!
crz saw it too but thatz besides the point.. I SAW A SHOOTING STAR!!!
but.....
DAMN!! I WASNT FAST ENOUGH TO WISH UPON IT!!! *exasperated sigh* dang~ and crz saw a second one. i didnt. double dang~ *looks crossed* *humph* oh well~ gotta be contented.
and... MOOMOOZ CALLED MI!!! okay~ she called crz handphone. but the point is that she asked for mi. wahaha~ asked mi go pig out on sat. of course on la~ nothing to do anywayz.. heez~ since my visit to grandad is cancelled. *beams*
got abit emotional that day. talked stuff. got really philosophical and stuff. talked about our relationships, with friends, with family, and that special someone. drank beer. i drank most of it. but it was actually really little. but after trying to finish the drinks at one go, things get abit disoriented.
held hands with crz like two primary school kids on an excursion while walking to take cab. haha.. felt so... young again, so.. sisterly? yupz~ went home slightly high. should do this more often!! heez~ though crz might be so bored again. but i actually enjoyed staring at the sea, the sky and stars, doing nothing, just stoning there.
WHO DOESNT MIND STONING WITH MI AT FISHERMANZ CAN ASK MI OUT TO (what else?) STONE THERE TOGETHER!! heez~ seriously, it was quite enjoyable to sit and daydream...*contented smile*
SATURDAY, JUNE 11 2005
mooz drove us to town. parked at shaw. dang~ she had to park her car like, thrice (dont know if therez this word, but h*ll...) ? but it turns out that it wasnt HER fault, the car beside hers was the culprit, it was so parked slanted...
went to pig out at billy bombers.. lazy crz still snoring at home, refused to wake up and meet us. i insisted on sitting at the red booth seats.. heez~ but the guy said that e only available one is reserved for big groups only, and i was so upset, course therez no point going to billy bombers if we dont get the booth seats. *fuming* i requested for somewhere more private as the rest of the seats looks too 'open', kinda like so near to the rest of the seats, no privacy at all. the guy suggested we sit outside. can tell from her look that mooz wasnt happy too.
luckily, at this moment, the two customers sitting at one of the booths got up and left. mooz quickly pointed out the now emptied seats and the guy told us to wait while they clear the tables. yea~ booth seats!! *grins* heez~
talked rubbish with mooz. told her stuff mi could never open up to someone else. hopes that she keeps to herself what i told her *cross fingers* heez~ itz serious stuff, i think, but when chatting with her about it, it really seems like a casual topic to chat on. *scratches head* which is good too, lifez hard enough without having to stress over such trival stuff..
felt really bimbotic that day.. just wanted to shop and spend. haha. although i dont have the finance to. heez~ bought myself a skirt..
OMG~ I WAS SO DAMN FAT!!! I ACTUALLY FITTED IN THE SKIRT WHICH LOOKED TOO BIG!!
but i wore it real hipster, think can see abit of my butt crack le lor *consoles myself*
anywayz, the guy at the counter said they could alter it for mi as we felt that it was too long.. and so we did..
IT WAS SO DAMN SHORT AFTER ALTERING LOR!!! AND ONE SIDE IS EVEN SHORTER THAN THE OTHER!!! the longer side is like 8 1/2'' while the shorter side is like a good 1" shorter!!! whoa~hoho~ *wolf whistles* dont know how im going to wear it but i will... heez~ not going let 50bucks sit at home..
so poor after that.. haiz~ i need a rich boyfriend!!! wahaha~ i want so many things now.. haiz~ retail therapy sux~ just make mi more unhappy thinking of stuff i have no money to buy... *hint hint* *boohoohoo*
went to scotts after buying the skirt in far east. had pastamania. nice... didnt know my favourite cow cant take chilli lo.. claims itz course her jer doesnt take chilli. dont really see the link here. *scratches head* heez~ dabaoz also dont take chilli, after so long, i still take chilli *scratches head again*
left the food court and saw her jer the min we walked up. left them arguing there and left to go home. heez~ so sorrie mooz~ i kinda knew u will still go with him and 'bang sei' mi so i thought i might as well leave first. heez~
spent my whole journey home persuading marc to drink with mi as i dont feel like sleeping yet. he refused!!! *fumes* said that hez got sore throat. we bargained and compromised. in the end i gave up trying and went to get long island tea and ciggies from 7eleven.
but marc came to find mi in the end.. to pass mi his ciggies.. he cant smoke when hez having sore throat.. wahaha~
after about half the bottle, i decides that i am sleepy enough so we left. but the min i reached my house, depression hit mi. i dont know why, juzt feel really down, really neglected, really lost and confused, really sad, really angry at the world, all of a sudden.
so i continued to smoke and i finished the whole bottle. and tried to sleep, curled up in the living room. i jotted awake at 4am and started to cry. i couldnt understand why. i smoked somemore and after a while, slept peacefully on my bed.
but i still enjoyed my weekend. *grins stupidly*
when u left i lost a part of mi,
is this so hard to believe?
come back, baby please,
we belonged together.
dreams brings hopes and wishes
which in turn brings expectations
so, is it really wrong to dream?
to have hopes and wishes?
or to expect?
was it all naive thinking on my part?
arent u hoping, wishing and dreaming too?
are u wrong too?
dare to love
dare to hope
dare to dream
lifez worth it
hez worth it
even if he doesnt return my love
at least i'v tried
i'v learnt to love freely without holding back
learnt to give without expect
learnt to treasure little things which cant be measured
and close one eye to things he cant deliver
still loving him..
but has given up trying to have his heart, body and soul..
will be here for him
for as long as he needs mi
still loving him..
im in so deep..
too deep..
fr*akin hell~ tamade~ jidangao~ m*th*rf*ckin' piece of sh*t~ rubbish~ f*ck man~ dammit~ knn~ ccb~ ar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(- -")
(- -.)
(- -#)
haiz~
cannot believe it!!! im so blurdy h*ll idiotically, stupidly, f*ckin forgetful!!!
argh!
I FORGOT TO KEY IN MY PART-TIME CLAIM FOR MAY!!!!! F*CK XIA~ MI GONNA BE SO F*CKIN BROKE THIS BLURDY MONTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
haiz~ dont really know what i feel now... is it anger at myself? is it sadness cuz im gonna have to eat grass this whole freakin month? is it shock at the sudden realization that i can be so f*ckin lame? i really dont know.. just feel weak physically.. like all my limbs had gone soft and i even had trouble keying in this entry.. LAME SH*T!! haiz~
need a hug!!!!! anyone wanna gimme 1??? i want a REAL hug.. not a *hugz* on my tagboard.. need someone to hold mi before mi collapse into a heap of entangled limbs and body. brain feels frozen. nothing makes sense. breakdown.
of course itz not just the pay. takes a wee bit more than money to destroy mi.. *managed a weak smile*
itz all the sh*t i did.. or rather, sh*t i did not do. like checking my stuff to make sure the idiots paid up. haiz~ instead of going down, my KIVs went up.
so f*ckin useless............
so f*ckin careless................
so f*ckin stupid.................
so f*ckin idiot..............
*think happy~ think happy~ think happy~*
*desintegrate into bits and pieces in a pool of blood and tears*
in the office now. feeling so useless.. cant do anything right. everythingz wrong. haiz~
saw him online. wished him morning~ den he immediately 'idle' le..
WTF~ some friend.........
ok, granted, not really looking forward to being just friends with him. but.... i think im desperate enough to salvage what little bit of him i have left.
argh... useless + mia jer = very very very unhappy/angree/sad/going to cry/terrible mi..
damn pek chek..
when i started going with jer, my birthday wish every year has been for him to love mi forever. i felt very blessed to have him with mi. but this year, my birthday wish was for him to be happy. *bittersweet laughter* what madness came over mi to wish such a thing??
*sighz* what is done cannot be undone.
everything will turn out right.
i hoped.
i wished.
i prayed.
for him.
now,
itz time to
hope,
wish,
and pray
for myself.
a lure more strong,
a wish mor faint.
makes 1 a monster n 1 a saint.
+*.[fAith shAll bInd Us aLL bUt LOvE wILL sEt Us frEe].*+
i wanna get married. haha. i know.. i know.. itz lame.. dont even know why i will have such thoughts.. haha..
maybe i just want to be loved.
to have someone to call mine.
to have someone to care for mi.
to have someone to hug to sleep.
to have someone to wake up to.
but i only want him. him and only him.
my skin still tingled from his touch.. although it was days ago..
my heart still pounded wildly.. when i saw him..
my smile still magically appears.. each time i see him..
i could never get enough of him.
i could never allow myself to be rid of him..
i still need him desperately..
still loved him foolishly, blindly, wholeheartedly..
yes.. i still do..
and i hate myself for it..
hate myself for being so weak..
hate myself for needing him..
hate myself for not being able to resist him..
still loving him.. still wanting him.. still pinning for him..
argh~ miss my kor!!!! lifez so boring without U!! =(
so confused~ miss him too... but he doesnt miss mi at all i'l betcha.. saddened..
one min im happy..
one min im sad..
the next i'l have mixed feelings..
and then i'l forget..
lifez too short to worry..
but too f*cked up not to..
wished i could quit complaining..
but tell mi whatz a girl to do?
i could shut up and be dainty..
but then it wouldnt b mi..
no..
and when i start bitching,
someone will have to shoot mi.
cuz i can go on..
and on..
and on..
and on..
wished i had charms,
and wished i had luck.
wished i had powers
to turn back the clock.
wished u'r still here,
wished u hadnt left.
wished u would love mi and dry all my tears,
wished u would hug mi and fight all my fears.
but wishes are for fools,
fools without a clue.
then i must be one.
heck~
i'l even admit to being one.
just to have one wish,
thatz to have u strapped to mi,
bound so tightly,
that u cant ever leave.
but realityz cruel.
thatz how life is.
it has made mi a fool,
without mi realising it.
a lovestruck gal for him.
a s*cker for romance.
a fool for one wish.
a miracle waiting to happen..
an old poem mi found. written by moi. not vey fantastic but im still amused i found it. enjoy~
betrayed
i walked alone,hurt n dazed,
in tiz long n windin road
tryin 2 fnd mysef.
instead i found u.
u taught mi how 2love,
toe mi tt love wouldnt hurt,
bt u had lied.
the adoration did not last long.
what was it that i did wrong?
u transformed into a complete stranger
so familiar, yet so distanced
but i kept my faith
kept lyin 2 mysef
u will return
someday u will
but u never did
u just walked further away
love does hurt.doesnt it?
especially when u stopped calling
and stopped caring.
when u started drinking
and started gambling.
and now i wondered 2 mysef,
if i had waited any longer,
would things turn out any different?
til nw mi stil could not bear 2 give u up
coz u were my knight in shiny armor
when i was surrounded by darkness
bt nw.................
plz tell mi how i should feel
plz tell mi what i mean to you
plz do not play with my heart
plz do not end what u have start
my mind is in turmoil
my heart is bleeding again
hurting
self condemnation
blinded
my wound is torn open again
each time cut deeper than the first
each time taking longer to heal
fresh blood draining away my lifeforce
darkness falls
each time falling harder than the last
each time the tunnel seemed longer than the last
each time harder to crawl out
swallowing my sanity
the lights go out
each time returning a bit dimmer than the last
each time relighting abit slower than the last
finally the lights are slowly snubbed out
never returning
insanity is a blessing
on the edge
can someone push mi over?
freefall down to nowhere
forever stuck in my fantasy
forever happy in my make believe world
forever dreaming my dream
hehe~cant believe it man~
im like using the com in my hus!!!!
haha~desperate enough to use it man~
at home so darn boring...
ya.. mi still going to complain about the com though...
the monitor is so f*cking blur!!
mi feel as if im staring at a com monitor when im p*ssed drunk.
only im quite sure im not.
hehe~
but staing at a fr**king blur com beats staring at the ceiling.
so i think im done complaining *grin*
shall end this post here, before i have the urge to whine about the com again..
tata~
friends forever
to all my friends
no matter how often we meet up
or how occasionally seldom
no matter how often we quarrelled
or how occasionally seldom
no matter if we lived near each other
or at both ends of the island
or even across the globe
friends forever
to all my friends
to friends whom i know inside out
or outside in
to friends whom i dont quite know at all
to friends who stood by mi
when others had doubt
to friends who had doubted mi
and thus help mi grow up
so...
friends forever
to all my friends
to friends i would love to hate
but chose to love
to friends who hated mi
but chose to forgive
to friends i did wrong to
to friends who did mi wrong
friends forever
my dearest friends
i loved you all
even if i dont say it often
i missed the times we spent together
even if i mentioned nothing at all
i am really grateful
for friends like u
so...
friends forever
my friends for life..
went drinking with marc yesterday. no idea why, but mi felt like drinking. a sudden craving. watz wrong with mi? all this sudden cravings. im drinking too much and smoking too much..
n i duno if i did wrong yesterday.
letz just say i took something from someone yesterday. and he can never have it back. i totally spoiled it. but still, we promised each other to be friends forever.
maybe im deluding myself.
hurt. deeply. by andys words. shall not elaborate. at least i know what u think of mi now.
i think im going crazy.
teetering on the edge of insanity.
wait... i'v always been insane..
does this means im turning normal?
.
weirdly, i think i'v managed quite well without jer. considering the fact that he used to tend to almost my every whims. almost. so, now, without him, my brain is suddenly working ot. and after having such a long long vacation, ot is pretty tedious..
.
suddenly remembered something a fren of my mom shared with mi. she said that she realised that the cause of unhappiness between her marriage with her husband was entirely her fault. i do not agree with the "entirely her fault" part but it does make sense.
.
her husband was a flirt (seriously very hard to fathom it if u see how her husband looks like now.. hardly a "woman's man" at all.. cant imagine him being anywhere near 'handsome' at all even in his youth.. *disbelieved look*), a womanizer and a compulsive gambler. he constantly chalked up enomous debts and expected her to pay for his debts, even went as far as getting her to borrow money from her brother, who had just suffered a stroke at that time. she quarrelled with him everyday. cursing him for the debts, screaming at him for the occasional flings. but she never thought of divorce.
.
she finally realised she could not keep borrowing money anymore when all her siblings shunned her, disregarding her presence, whenever she tried talking to them, afraid that she will ask for money. so she took up jobs to support her family. the arguments continued. but still, she never gave up on her husband.
.
she asked herself what was wrong.
.
finally she said, it dawned on her. she was jealous of her husband's female frenz. even when her husband assured her that there is nothing between them. she picked on him constantly, driving him away from her in the process, without knowing it.
.
now, they are still happily married. and i mean really happily married.
.
i think that shez not entirely at fault, only partly. a womanz (or a galz) patience has a limit. we can only take this much. anymore and we flip. but on the other hand, a jealous and possesive green eyed freak is very irritating too. mmm.. what m i talking about?? like arguing at of the stick.. strez~ but heck~ but what mi trying to say is this:
.
i am largely at fault for the pathetic "demise" of my relationship with jer. largely. a lot of it. guess he could not take mi anymore and just upped and left. i depended too much on him for emotional support. i'v always needed him around mi. twenty four seven.
.
i mean when hez with mi, he cannot go anywhere else without mi. it has become my habit to just pick up his ringing hp and bark "jer is not free. hez with mi. bye bye." initially, it was almost always directed to denver (so sorry, den..) as jer cant stand him either. always calling and asking him out. so jer always get mi to pick up his calls and tell him to scram. after that, i got used to it and will automatically tell the callers to f*ck off hang up, jerz out of bounds that day.
.
i call jer everyday in the past. mmm.. no.. he used to call or msg mi in the past. till a point of time, i cant remember when, his calls got less often, and i started calling him. and i get very very irritated when i cant get him. i would nag at him non stop because of that. but to mi, itz not serious enough to warrant a massive qaurrel so mi always stop after a few sentence of " y never ans my calls???", "y never reply my msges??" or " i called u like XXtimes le lor.. where the h*ll are u??" but im sure he is as irritated by my naggings as im by his disappearing act.
.
i started checking his hp and i would confront him when i see suspicious msges. he will always deny them of course but i would not believe him. and i started not to trust him as much.
.
i practically lived with him. i stayed over at his or his aunts plc more nitghts than in my own. think about 2nights at most a week in own place. guess he was irritated by it. hehe~ since he has no peace whenever im there. i will keep pestering him.
.
this is a bit ridiculous but it is true... he has to accompany mi and wait outside the bathroom whenever i need to use the bathroon in the middle of the night. hehe~ when when he is asleep le, i will still pull him along with mi. simple reason-i was afraid of the dark. still is, actually.
.
i will walk out of his house in the middle of the night. he used to run after mi. there was once, he followed mi to east coast without actually knowing where we were heading in the 1st place. he just followed mi stupidly blindly, keeping a safe distance behind mi. heez~ probably afraid that i will turn and scream at him..hehe~ by the time we reached the beach, all my anger had gone and seriously, i could not remember why was i angree with him in the 1st place. but soon, he got bored with my tantrums and will just let mi go. he knew i will always return to him. it was just a matter of time.
.
i throw tantrums when i could not sleep at night. i will kick whatever is in my way and poor jer will have to coax mi to sleep. if not, he can forget about sleeping too. *evil grin* love my dabaoz~ i have to, HAVE TO, sleep in his arms, every night. he has to hug mi. he has no choice as i'v confiscated his bolster and decreed that itz mine whenever i sleep over in his place. i'v actually lost count of the times he have to coax mi back to sleep. i think hez the only one apart from my mom who knows how to make mi sleep. hehe~
.
i throw tantrums when im hungree too. i used to tell him "a hungree man is an angree man, so keep away from mi when im hungree". he used to spoonfeed mi when mi refused to eat. especially that period of time when mi spent almost everyday in his house with him.
.
i think the relationship actually started going downhill ever since i really fall really deeply in love with him. i was hooked to him. he was my drug. my food. he was in the center of my universe. he was all i want, all i had.
.
i think im very demanding.
.
but i was in too deep. i was too blinded to see. i wish i had seen it sooner. i wish i had stood by him. i wish, i wish. only fools says that. im such a fool...
.
i guess he felt suffocated by needy ziting.
.
just as i was by andy. was. i saw myself in him and i saw jer in mi. i hated myself. i felt weak. i felt anger. i saw how we were going to end. i saw the beginning of our demise. so i decided to cut it short. i needed the break. so, i dont blame jer at all now. i understand. and andy, im sorry. to have hurt u. sorry to have somehow 'used' u to reach this conclusion, though i assure u that i harbour no such intention, in the past or now. thanks for still being there for mi after all i did to u. as a fren.
.
great frenz!
.
hmmm... just realised somthing.. i realised that i'v not done something really great for jer before. .
mmm.. apart from accompanying his aunt around [which does not really count as doing him a favour, cept when he cant accompany her and sabo mi to pei her and effectively, got rid of mi for at least a good few hours (- -") *rolls eyes*]...
.violently waking him up for classes by shaking him violently, hitting him really hard and biting him...
.
arranging his wardrobe [so that my clothes can fit in too + of course, his wardrobe really need the packing]... fattening him up with lots of snacks [i like him fat and cuddly, which he hates. heez~]... making his bed every morning... drying his hair and him after his shower [he is ssooooooooooo lazy, he insist that he had dried himself even u can SEE water dripping from him.. guys.. (- -") *shakes head and rolls eyes and smile at the memory all at the same time* =) ]...
.
mmm... does trying very very hard to give him his freedom... trying very very hard to not mind his disappearing act which last for few days at a time and it happens every week? convincing myself that itz just him and that he is alright, hez fine, no harm will come to him... trying very hard not to mind his decreasing amount of time spent with mi, convincing myself that i should trust him and that itz normal...
.
does worrying and losing sleep over him count? does loving him so much my heart hurts whenever he has a cut counts? does hurting after knowing hez in trouble but i was the last to know count?
.
suddenly realised that i'v given him everything i could to him. and he mi.
.
maybe thatz why he means so much.
.
strez~ i'v digress too much. alright.. shall end here.. so as not to bore u all (>.<)
.
miss my kor!!! miss dabaoz!!! need hugs!!!
love everybody~
