Navigations are at the top
ABOUT = {what i've}
LINKS = {been looking for}
TAG = {all this time}
kor left for taiwan last nite le.. so sad..
called him.. talked for awhile..
reminded mi to take care..
he should be the one who needs to take more care lo..
miss him..
like suddenly alone again..
nearly burst out in tears again after he hung up..
ya.. again..
momz frenz was in my house yesterday..
kept questioning mi about my studies..
itz so f*ckin' none of their business..
argued with mom..
so hurt..
she never ever let mi finish my sentence 1..
she never ever listened attentively to what i want to say..
never!!
called andy..
complained. complained. complained. whined. whined. whined.
thanx man~
[though u also pissing mi off but @least mi dont feel like crying when mi talkin to u..]
heez~ [ he asked for advice from mi about gastric. but he tried to reason with mi told him he has gastric because he accumulated days, if not, weeks of not eating regular meals. said that reg meals = eat when hungree. extra meals = eat when not hungree. and keep saying that when he eat more, like more pain.. seriously cant tahan him xia~]
ya missing kor already..
(- -.)
tink mi too attached to him le..
that time in cab w kor, suling and pete, mi leaned against kor, tired. cant remember what he said but it was to not lean against him.
so mi lean against suling. but she told mi to lean against kor coz she lay til very low.
so mi started whining nobody loves mi le.. heez~
den kor was like hao la hao la den let mi lean. den suling commented that 'iya~ ni de kor zhe yang teng ni..' *beams*
haha..
silly right?
like that also so happy le..
that time took neoprint with kor he also say mi so easy contented, so easy happy..
heez~ was grinning from ear to ear after the neoprint shoot..
somemore the shots all damn nice lor..
heez~ kor finally doing stupid actions with mi le.. hehe~
den he also smiling more cheerfully den our previous neoprint..
(>.<)
cya in 3 weeks time, kor!!!
take care worz~
love u~ (^.<)
Suicide Bomb Accident Disease Posion Natural Causes Eaten Stabbed Disappear Gunshot Drowning Cut Throat Suffocated
You scored as Suicide. Your death will be suicide. What more can I say? Fact: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. 80% 73% 60% 53% 53% 47% 47% 40% 33% 27% 20% 13% 13%
How Will You Die??
created with QuizFarm.com
everywhere i turned
everywhere i ran
there u were, there i was
interwined figures smiling at each other
darkened figures sobbing in heartbreak
both senarios playing at the same instant
figures i knew so well
.
ghouls~ too many of them
appearing at too many different places
the times overlapping one another
the tears and smiles merging, blurring together
dancing in my head
.
i tried running away
i tried shutting them out
i tried blocking out the laughter
i tired stopping the tears
i tried drowning the voices
i tried so hard
i love u so much
.
ghouls~ so many of them
appearing at so many different places
the times overlapping each other
the cries and laughters music to my ears
dancing in my head
.
then it dawned on mi
they have kept mi alive
they have pushed mi along
the ghouls were there to help
by accepting them, i accepted my past
by accepting my past, i am able to move on
.
ghouls~ so many of them
in places we had been
ghouls~ so many of them
stuck in a time warp
ghouls~ so many of them
unable to leave
ghouls~ so many of them
lived with mi
in my dreams, in my mind
.
ghouls of u n mi
Peter Pan Ariel Goofy Donald Duck Cinderella Cruella De Ville Pinocchio The Beast Sleeping Beauty Snow White
You scored as Peter Pan. Your alter ego is Peter Pan. You are a child at heart. Anything you believe is possible, and you never want to grow up. 100% 75% 69% 56% 56% 50% 50% 50% 50% 19%
Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego?
created with QuizFarm.com
went ps with kor yesterday evening (>.<) was late.. again.. heez~ kor so pissed.. kept saying mi.. waited half an hour @ hougang point for mi. heez~ he keep reminding mi, on our way to ps, of all my accidents resulting with him being scratched up by mi and his shirt being dirtied by mi, the day before, and of coz, of the fact mi was never on time before. heez~ i can laugh about it now la. but was feeling really bad yesterday. yupz~ really must change this bad habit of mine, but it wont be a tiniest bit easy. probably even harder den quiting fags. heez~ . wnt straight to gt e tix when we reached ps. but we still ended up with front row seats. sianz~ but bo bianz~ mi was quite desperate to watch the show. heez~ because mi been expecting to be able to watch the show, if mi last min cant watch, mi confirm bad mood. heez~ . we went to buy sugar cane juice after that, coz mi suddenly have craving for it. heez~ next, we headed for the NEOPRINT MACHINES in action city!! it was so fun.. running circles in the machine as there were 2 cameras and the cameras were randomly picked to take our pix. n i chose the 12pix 1. hehe~ without kor knowing, of course. *devious grin* heez~ then we could decorate the pix. so fun!! heez~ .it was our 1st time using that machine and it has lots of cute cute icons and words, lotz more than the "mei shen" machine mi love so much. heez~ and this time round, i dare not put in the date. heez~ the last time mi added the date in, i got it so wrong!! was still taunted by kor because of the stupid date till this very day! *fuming* *humph* .heez~ den one of the pix is so lame lor, i wanted to show the laced butt of my pants but ended up showin more den mi should!! heez~ n........ the stupid thing is... we actually accidentally chose the pix!! lame right??!! strez~ but mi put a cute rabbit der as censor le. heez~ so, sorrie~ no show. heez~ but poor kor ended up with the bigger version of the pix as mi simply refused to have it. *evil laughter* loved my kor (^v^) loved the way mi can push him around. heez~ .ya the show was great! it was damn funny. heez~ but ending abit lyk nt ended. yupz~ but over all it was really nice to watch. ya not going to say much about alas mi spoil the show for those yet to watch it (>.<) .ya we went home after the show. both of us were tired. heez~ yawning all the way home. haha. yupz~ kor sent mi back den he went to meet his fren. ya~ ever since my "great frenz" with jer, kor has taken to giving mi hugs whenever he send mi home. *beamz* i like that. heez~ *mi love hugz~ [say in a childz voice]* heez~.u can believe to be happy.u can choose to be happy.and u will be happy.i am happy(>.<)
ya mi pull that 'gucci belt guyz' shirt out to reveal no gucci belt but a very normal belt n boxers.. heez~ so cant stand myself.. heez~ but too bad.. he was with a gal.. yupz~ (^v^)
.
ya we got out of black ardound 5am mi think.. went to eat in mac and home sweet home lo.. pete n kor both kept teasing suling on stop @mac's. haha. kept saying shez drunk and all.
.
kor leaving for taiwan tonight le...... will miss him.. haiz~
went watched star wars yesterday with kor dearest (>.<) but mi was late. so so so late. make kor n his fren wait. so sorrie...*bat eyelashes* heez~
.
star wars is quite ok lo. not very fantastic. do not understand why some people can be so crazy over it. heez~
.
after movies, we wnt eat sakae!! heez~ yummy.. but we did not eat much. don't know y but feel very v bloated.
.
aftter that we met suling and peter and went black.
.
so sianz~ so little people.. and the music sucks.. was so bored there.. dey started playing 5 10 but mi dont really liked playing pub games or any games for that matter, so mi did not play.. just stood there and spaced out..
then people start pouring in and we danced. danced on platform.
.
there was this guy who kept talking to me but mi ignored him. he did not get the hint and even asked if peter is my bf. strez~ told him pete is not and me turned and hugged kor. heez~ but itz a damn awkward position as hez dancing on the higher platform so mi only managed to hug his legs. heez~ the guy asked for my number but mi told him mi using my dadz hp (which is true..) in the end, he gave mi his no. diaoz~ gave mi a drink too. but mi did not touch it. pushed it to pete who pushed it far far away. heez~
.
ya kor fren came too yesterday.. he damn shuai lor.. the last time mi saw him he was wearing a gucci belt.. noticed him even before kor intro us.. but sadly, my memory has failed mi again..
.
I CANT REMEMBER HIS NAME!!!! haiz~
.
kor asked mi if mi still remember him and mi told kor 'of coz.. the gucci belt guy' heez~ the guy cant hear us so mi repeated what i said to him. he was like hez not wearing the belt that day. mi pulled up his shirt to see.. wahaha *evil big grin* heez~
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
argggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........................
strrrrrrrrrreeeezzzzzzzzzzzzzz.........................................
on the verge of break down
f*cked up existance
wish to cease to exist
brain damaged
comatose
rage
hate the world
hate myself.hate.hate.hate.hatred
food binge.fries.chocolate.full
binge.binge and binge
anger.red fiery anger.
see red everywhere.red.hate red
bl**dy f*cked up life
desperation.dashed hopes.pissed.empty
need hugz.not enough hugz
smoke.smoke.smoke.smoke.smoking.smoking.smoking.smoked
nowhere to go.nowhere to run.nowhere to hide
dead end
A Romantic A Slave To BDSM Virgin Sex God
You scored as A Romantic. You're a romantic through and through. You may not ever have very many partners, but it's ok. You know that it's about the person who you're having it with, and that the sex is more of a fun biproduct - a very fun biprodict. You know how to make your partner happy, and that's what it's all about. 68% 65% 60% 48%
How are you in bed
created with QuizFarm.com
sorrow...... flowed like a river rushing downstream..heart hurts as though an open stab wound..sorrow so intense .love so deep.betrayal so painful.reminising a pastime,a habit..he just walked away...never once looking back.tears welled up in my eyes.threatening to spill and overflow...sorrow......flowed like a river rushing downstream,insanity followed suit.darkness dropped like a curtain,last lights snubbed out without fights.loneliness seemed to be my comfort...bingeing, drinking and fagging my only solance.dancing was an outlet for frustrations..he just walked away..never once looked back.tears welled up in my eyes..threatening to spill and overflow..sorrow.....flows like a river rushing downstream..hurting and killing anything in its path.i tried but i cant stop.i would have killed with my bare hands. i would have stolen from thieves.i would have died.just for love.
dear god, all i asked for,all i prayed for,is to get used to it.get used to him not being here by my side.get used to him not waking up beside mi.dear god,i wished,i wished so much,just to wake up from this nightmare.it's scaring mi.it frightens mi.dear god,but all i prayed for,is to get used to it.to not have to learn about it over and over, again and again,when i wake up every morning.
yea~wnt S-H-O-P-P-I-N-G yesterday with crz!!! heez~didnt buy much though.. so disappointed..bought a top. wanted to get a skirt. but too bad. no size. saddened..met crz @far east bus stop. she was late!! mi thought mi late le.. but she even later!!mi ran there from the mrt station...??? haiz~ nearly stranggled her. heez~we had dinner @subway. and started SHOPPIN~ tried quite alot of stuff.but far east like not much to shop le leiz.. a bit sianz~ went to heeren after that.. saw auntie tracy.. she asked about jer. haiz~ the pain returns..was contempleting if i should club later with crz n gals..but they cancelled it in the end.. too bad.. was looking forward to dancin w my crz big star (>.<)ya so long no c crz le... missed her so much.. she lyk thinner le.. while mi gettin rounder n rounder.. heez~ ya after shopping, we sat in spinelli n chat till the server need use broom chase us awy.. heez~ den after that is home sweet home lo... such little time to catch up.. lookin forward to our beach sessions n ur hugz!!!! eat more choco! be happi (^v^)
hollowed out insideheart has already diedi had been replacedlove had been betrayed.everything feels numb, nothing feels alrightbody refused to move, heart pounded wildlytried as i might, mind refused to believethe sight before me.he was with someone, someone smilingsuch joy she brought him, such happiness she radiatebut where does that leave me?so fast so obsolete .hollowed out insideheart has already diedi had been replacedlove had been betrayed.brain cells frozen one by oneblood dripped so fast it raised alarmsimages flashed by, reminising lifei smiled.breathing became laboured, heartbeat slowedeyelids drooped, slowly losing conciousheartbeat stopped, breathing stoppedthe welcoming darkness
was readin serenez blog den realised mi missed out something.....THE HALF-NAKED BARTENDERS DANCING ON THE BAR TOP!!!!yupz~ it really did happen.. heez~after clubbing there for so long, itz the 1st time it happened...BUT...sadly.....THEY ARE SO FAT!!!can see all their fat tummies.. yuckz~and they 'zuan dao' xia~they were dancing horribly on top of the bar when halfway through,the gals dancing on the platform in front of the bar crossed over..the gals not bad la.. heez~ kept looking at the one in red halter..yupz~ and... the gals helped the bartender strip.. yupz~mmm.. shall not go on le.. want go dancing again..still not shuang yet.. heez~doubt will ever get enough of dancing.. ^v^ ya korz goin taiwan end of mth..............so sad.........WILL MISS U, KOR!!! ya... can u shop there....????huh?huh?heez~if can.. can help mi buy stuf???? *smiles sweetly*
i missed him... i miss him... still missing him... miss him so much... does he miss mi too?or... is he missing someone else? someone who makes him smile.. now..someone whom he share thoughts with.. now..someone who means a lot to him..now..someone he loves..now..someone who is not me.. i missed him...i miss him... still missing him...miss him so much....
(warning!!! post is very very very long and will probably be borin as well.. enjoy..)sooooo soooooooooo sooooooooo tired................just helped my cous move house.. damn sleepy.. only slept like around 2hrs only.. woke up at 7.30 this morning. took all of my will power not to fall back into slumberland when mommy woke mi up. but my actions all super slow.. so in the end still late. heez~ ***ya went to black with kor yesterday.. MI PAID HIS COVER (>.<) heez~ so proud to announce this.. haha. ya mi still owe him money ma so paid for his entrance. meaning there isnt much to be proud of.. heez~ ya met his frens suling and peter. ya thought that peter looked a lot like adrian pang, turns out that i was the 4th person to tell him that.
.mi at first was quite sianz cuz mi duno his frenz well and felt a bit left out, a bit awkward.but later when more of their friends poured in and we started dancing, all my discomfort melts away and mi begin to enjoy myself. yupz~ they were very friendly people, very easy to talk to. met a lot of his friends that day.. vivian and her bf (bf is korz friend but mi really cant remember his name li) who keep saying mi xiao mei mei and asked if mi want to drink orange juice instd and ding who told mi his full name but mi cant remember it(ding was his surname, friends all called him by 'ding'), and a lot whose name mi cant remember or whose name i do not know..
ya the cute bartender do not want mi... so sad... he say mi short.. *heart breaks*
.
mmm.. only danced on the dancefloor for awhile with kor. a fren of his intro himself there. alan took like forever to hear and say my name correctly.. haha.. den his fren called mi xiao mei mei. mi pissed so mi turned away and danced back facing them. when mi turned back, he apologised and intro himself. but mi cant remember his name at all. or his other frenz. heez~ n when that fren intro himself, he put his hands on my hair der and said that im very cute. mi damn strez~ turn to face my kor immediately n like danced with him. after awhile we went back to the bar der le.
.
oh ya~ ding was trying to get mi to dance with him and on the platform the whole night. strez~ vivian and her bf keep saying he drooling. haha. den dey cup their hands in front of his mouth as if to catch the drool. ha. and the bf jokingly placed his arm between us to 'protect' mi from him. haha. and mi jia1 jia2 run to kor der. heez~
.
ya there was his fren of theirs in a black tee. suling was like jokingly told mi go dance with the guy and mi ran so fast past a few people away from him to my kor der. heez~ mi was joking la.. heez~ anyways the same guy put his arm around my shoulder and announced ' ni shi wo de'.. mi damn stressed lor.. mi inched farther from him and hugged my kor.. strez~
.ya my kor that day oso very cheeky.. heez~ they found a bracelet and my kor decided to go ask a lady if itz hers.. it was.. but too bad.. the lady is 3yrs older than kor.. haha.. and she kept staring at mi everytime mi near kor after the incident. creepy.. esp when mi took ciggie from his breast pocket. strez~
.ya all his frenz thought that im his gf initiatly xia~ so diaoz~ nobody believed us when we said that hez my god bro.. vivian keep insisting we couple. and mi was like, 'huh.. if mi his gf, u think mi will let him go flirt with other girls meh? diaoz~' which is thru whatz.. which girl will encourage bf go take other girlz hp no? diaoz~
.
ya the guy in black drove mi n kor home that night.. yupz~ kor gave mi a big bear hug in the lift n told mi not to think too much.. gave mi another super duper big bear hug @my doorsteps *happy(^v^)* heez~ ya we gave each other a lot of hugs that night. duno y. but it felt good. like an assurance that he will be there for mi, like therez someone who will try his best to protects mi, in return for nothing. no favours in return. ya strucked mi that he has never asked for anything in return for all the things he did for mi. no strings attached.. THANX KOR!!! LOVE U~
.ya suling got drunk that night, they do not want her to drive but she insisted. n peter n crew sat her car.. hope they r alrite..ya... I LOVE U KOR!!! I LOVE U CRZ !!! (ya dont tink too much le la, if hez urs, u dun have to tie him to u, if hez not, den itz time to let go...)***yupz~ ya mi went drinking in gardens with marc on fri. both of us only.. thought that it would be super duper boring.. it was but we talked.. quite a lot.. im shocked when he told mi he used to hate mi. didnt even knew he hated mi.. but not anymore le la.. he got over it.. heez~
.
ya was supposed to meet jing in the evening but mi late.. den mi walked around the wisma atrium like 4 times but didnt see her.. so mi started reading there and wait. and wait. and wait. wanted to call her using payphone, but duno where's e nearest 1.. was damn stressed~ so after like what seemed to mi as eternity (but was probably no more than half an hr), mi left the place. only found out that jing is still there after mi got home..SO SORRY, JING!
hidayat just corrected mi on my last post.. turns out the moronic idiot did not finish my choco.. yupz~ i apologise for my blunder.. BUT.. mi still do not like that irritating faggot.. do not ask mi y i dislike him so much.. i have no idea how to discribe it.. u must experience him to feel it..yupz~ jing also dont like him (right, jing?), n mei oso damn pissed @him~HEZ SO TUPID!!!!too irritating le him.. den always act like he knows everything..but in reality, he knows nothing.. wants to butt in on everything.. but in the end makes a big mess.. even the admin people also cant stand him... n.... i dont blame them... everytime someone mentions something, he will butt into the conversation.. in the middle of that person's speech.. den when he was unable to butt into the conversation, he wil keep 'i think..' 'i think..' till the person cant stand him and let him speaks.. or.. he will announce how irritating his kiv student is, not realising he is just as annoying,if not more.. n the moron will keep going on n on n on abput the 'stupid' stuff the student did..NOBODY MISSES UR SPEECH, U D*MB*SS~NOBODY PAYS ATTENTION TO U EITHER, MORON! coz ur sprouting nonsense.. WE ARE NOT INTERESTED!TRY TO SHUT UR TRAP BEFORE MI SHOVE MY SHOE IN UR MOUTH !on second thought, forget about the shoe.. hez not worth dirtying my shoe for..:ya cant stand myself man~y mi so critical of others?haha.. so biased in my opinion..mmmm.. no idea.. maybe cos of the fact he too dislikable le... or mi'z got fifi's 'bing4'heez~we used to go around town and criticize everyonewho cross our paths..so mean right? heez~ but that was in the past..now we still do that sometimes.. only somtimes.. *smiles sweetly*:ya n the only reason mi kept my temper every single time he pisses mi off is that:1. i wont see him after this job.2. i do not want to spoil the peaceful environment of this office,i mean, everyone is so nice lor (apart from him, of course)3. i still have to face him everyday except weekends until this job is over. yupz~every single time he tried to talk to mi, mi felt like screaming,"GET LOST!! GET OUTTA MY SKIN!!"but, being mi-who-does-not-like-quarrels,i kept quiet.venting my anger here, where it will not hurt him..im such an angel~heez~(>.<)
hmmm... actually wanted to write a blog to complain.. no.. complain is not strong enough.. but mi cant think of a stronger word now.. heck~THE MOTHERF*KING-SON-OF-A-B*TCH IS SO F*CKIN IRRITATIN !!!CANT STAND HIM MAN~that felt good...CAN U BELIEVE THE NERVE OF THE IDIOT?SO BL**DY LOUD AND F*CKIN NOISY!!!NOBODY WANTS TO TALK TO U, U MORON!!SHUT UR BL**DY TRAP, U FAGGOT!kkz~now to explain y the fuck mi so angree...HE F*CKIN FINISHED MY CHOCO!!!he finished it without askin anyone else if they still want it.so damn pissed... mi oni took 2pieces out of the whole f*ckin box lor.. when mi passed to hidayat, there were still like 6 or 7 pieces left.the choco is not his lor.. he should at least have the courtesy to at least ASKED if he can have the last piece. freakin faggot..seriously, maybe mi just biased against him but he realli too irritating le lor..frankly, anybody else in the whole g*dd*med office finished thechoco, mi might not be so angry.. n he so f*ckin hypocrite lor.. when mi exclaimed'huh~my choco finished le ar?so sad...' that tim, he looked so f*ckin guilty lor.he dont dare to look at mi lor. he look at mi, stunned for awhile, then he looked away. rather, he looked down.. F*CK HIM!!!den everytime got food he will keep staring, he dont dare ask for it but give the greedy look and when the person finallypass the food to him, he grabs it.every time anybody is eating something, he will be nearby, and he wont leave till he gets some.SO F*CKED UP!!!so pissed off.. argh.......argh.. dont say le.. the more mi say the more my blood boils..F*CKED~
listening to f.i.rz 'wo man de ai' in the office now.. it struck a cord. now feeling hurt all over again.. gotta make them stop playing sad, slow mandopop. it isit doing much to clear my head of memories, nor ease the pain in my chest.i know itz lame to be feeling so down when i still have so much.so many people who cares.but at the moment, nothing matters.
thanx for all ur concerns abt mi ppl.. heez~ was talking to marc just now. mi comented that mi think guys are more kpo than gals.. because till now, after brk up saga with jer, nobody really much any attention to mi except guys.. with exception of mei, of course. heez~ she was forced to listen anyways.. heez~thanx deandim for suggesting mi blog, for asking about mi, for making my day just because u cared enough and for cheering mi up(>.<). .thanx for being the fren ur.thanx korkor for being there, paying my entrance to black, letting mi hug you like crazy, footing my cab fare, lending mi ur shoulder to drool on in e cab, lending mi money wich somehow never made it back to u (*innocent smile.demure eyes*heez~), treating mi coffee n ice kachang,making mi feel loved, calling mi 'princecess', ur 'xiao gong zhu'(ya mi think that itz damn sweet to have someone calling u that, has to be my fav nick^v^),for lending mi ur ears, for trying so hard to talk some sense into mi and,for nagging mi non-stop (plz dont ever stop~)..thanx for being my dearest bro. thanx marc for being there, for asking mi out, for letting mi bite u (ouch!), for lettin mi pinch u (eee-och! jumps in fright), letting mi hug u, smooch u(haha), and for bein the fren ur..thanx for being our ah gou.thanx andy for still being here with mi, as a fren. for listening to my whines. for ur choco.ur bikini (wich is too big btw). for the 2 dan brownz bk.for giving in to my whims.for trying so freaking hard to cheer mi up when mi blue.for trying so bloody hard to plz mi..thanx for being my fool.thanx mei. for too mani thgs wich mi too tired to type dwn. but mostly for listening tok crap about myself and pulling mi along in the office. mi reli reli reli grateful..thanx for being 3in1, my fren, colleague and listening ear.thanx so much everyone!
met him yesterday nightreturned mi my hp chainso near yet so farface was smiling but heart had diedshattered into a thousand million pieces***so familiar, yet so unknownso near yet a mile awaywanted to cry but tears had driedface was smiling but heart had diedshattered into a thousand million pieces***we embracedhe held mi tight but his hug was forcedhis hug was sympatheticface was smiling but heart had diedshattered into a thousand million pieces***he was my love, my life, my joyhe still isand always will betears are flowing heart had diedshattered into a thousand million pieces....thanx andy~ for talkin to mi last nite n for sharing ur 'incident'....nightmares plagued her last nightbroke out in cold sweatshe cannot recall the contentonly fear lingeredthe feeling of being watchedfeeling of desolute***remembered ***but mi loved him so...
in the office again~ boring~ online again~ thinking too much again~ my brains are too free while my hands are not. miss dabaoz~ a lot a lot~ but mi gotta accept reality, gotta set him fee, gotta let him go, hard as it is (it really is).
.
everywhere i go, im tormented by flashing images of the times we'v had. the memories locked inside my mind like a mini camcorder. playing and playin over and over. sometimes i thought i could almost see him again. just there. right in front of mi. but when i blink or tried to reach out for him, he disappears. and the overwelming hurt and the lurking, waiting, beckoning darkness would swallow mi whole. and i let it take over mi helplessly, too overcome with grief.
.
depression will follow. darkness will fall. i'v stopped fighting them now. it seemed a losing battle.
.
i would walk through the paths we'v been to slowly, desperately trying to savour every last details, every last words, every last touch, every last emotion.
.
i know itz sick. itz insane. but i cant help it. the sorrow, the pitch black darkness in mi had already eaten up whatever joy, whatever sunshine in my life. swallowed whole into a swirl of lovely wheather, short-termed fake happiness, cheerfulness, false hopes, crazy partying, followed by a quick succession of black stormy wheather, long-termed depression, helplessness, anger at myself, anger, red fiery anger, heavy smoking, drinking and disregard of myself. total abandonment of self.
.
i no longer loved myself. i hate myself. i hate the girl staring back at mi in the mirror. she had no smile on her face, she had no color to her cheeks, she had grown old overnight, had become fat and ugly. she had lost her soul....
.
maybe she hadnt one to start with.
.
i hope she dies...
wher was i? ya... uncortable with andy and kor getting lotsa hugs.. yupz~ anyways.. that aside, mi really did get tipsy that night.. granted, not drunk. just tipsy can? all coz of the so-cute bartender. heez~ anywayz the stupid guy made mi bottoms-up a vodka ribena.... strez~ mi cant hold my alcohol 1 lor.. mi and kor supposed 1 shot finish our drinks. ya den he damn rubbish.. he said you xu yao 7-eleven got sell condom.. strez~ haha.. think he thought mi and kor you yi tui.. and my blurtin out mi his mei probably only made it worse. strez~ ya a few mins after the drink, my head like spinning. and... mi hugged kor again. haha.. and when marc came back from wherever he was, mi staggered (ya staggered. although it was a really short distance) to mi and clung to him. haha.. and mi was like alternating between hugging marc and my kor the rest of the nite.. haha.. ya mi told marc the bartender so cute and he asked if i want his no. n i told him kor should have. bt kor says he doesnt. diaoz~ too bad den.. haha.. but mi think mi repeated the fact he really cute a few times that night coz mi remember marc offering to help mi get his no a few times.heez~ ya the bartender also help mi lit a ciggie. yupz~ wanted to light myself but he blew out my light. ya he really v cute lo.. haha.. didnt get his no.. saddened.. ha.. but *brightens up* will c him in black again. cheerz (^v^) ~ yupz~ final 'stunt' of the night. mi kissed marc again. just felt like kissing someone. but there wasnt any1 to kiss except him. haha. kor doesnt lemme kiss.... cnt possibly kiss their frenz... cnt possibly kiss andy or his frenz either.. obvious choice: marc. haha.. he was like.. ' tonight going have nightmare of kissing a dino le.' haha.. ya missed jerz kisses. whenever mi see a bruise on myself, mi will miss him so much.. he used to plant kisses on my wounds and exclaim ' hao le' as though itz really healed. but they seemed to heal faster. used to go whining to him with all my cuts and bruises and he never once complained. yupz~ ya we left black around 4+ 5 mi think. took a cab home with kor. yupz~ crashed asa mi hit the pillows.. heez~ eat mor choco. be hapi. lovely lovely day ahead. (>.<) cheerz to great frenz! *** meiz birthday~ya think mi becoming damn addicted to blogging le. strez~ duno if itz good or bad. but i guess itz better than being addicted to a lot of other stuff. ya.. was doing my blog in the office the whole day.. doing till mi can see rainbows while walking le. haha..
today was meiz birthday.. glad mi did the card for her. she said she hadnt received a handmade card for very long le. heez~ HOPE U LIKE IT *beams* ya we had a little 'celebration' in the office today, with cake. it was YUMMY.. haha.. ya mi know.. i admit.. mi pig.. heez~ come on... itz chocolate... with hazel.. topped with fudge.. and had crunchy bits in it... heez~ mouth watering just thinking about it (>.<) THANX ANNA FOR THE LOVELY CAKE!! heez~ ya and we sang birthday songs for her too. she had to smuggle the cake out to give florence. heez~ we dun have enough to go round the whole office, u know.. haha.. ya tmlz fifiz birthday.............. strez~ mi no money buy bdae prezie for her.. sooooo soooo soooo sorrie fifi...will make it up to u... (>.<) promise.. but must wait.. heez~ for my pay 1st.. yupz~
(authorz note: super super long and boring post ^v^)
oni managed to write the blog now *smiles speehishly* had to do a bithday card for mei (>.<) HOPE U LIKE IT O~ heez~yupz~ :
ya black~yesterday night ah gou persuaded mi to go to black with him. he promised to pay for mi since mi dont have money. heez~ ya mi was late in meetin him *smile sheepishly again* coz of mommy la... she blabber non stop with my aunt like still dont wanna go home.. den mi must wait for her.. den late le lo.. go home that time mi still must make up... heez~ sorry la ah gou.. anyways mi last week also wait for u..:
when we reached the queue, stupid marc realised he did not bring his ic.. goodness.. how can u come out from home especially to go clubbing but do not bring out ur ic?strez~anyways~while we were contempleting what to do, kor arrived. so coincident.. ya mi was so happy to see him mi hugged him.. n mi went in with kor 1st and he paid for mi. THANX KOR~ *beams(^v^)*
ya inside, mi msg andy telling him mi was in black. heez~ dispite being sick. heez~ yupz~ and poor old kor had to lend mi his hp most of the night (>.<) THANX AGAIN KOR~
the music sux mostly throughout the night too.. pengz~ after not clubbing for like 1 month+ nothing much has changed.. goodness..:
ya we stood @the bar nearest to the entrance most of the night ya.. n mi found myself glancing @it every few minutes. i wouldnt have noticed it if kor hasnt pointed it out. yupz~ he was like 'wat? waitin for him to come isit?' ha:
but when andy finally came, mi wasnt particularly excited to see him. though i want to. after all, we had finally cleared the air and remained frenz. kor jokingly told mi to ask him to come find mi so mi did. and imagine my surprise, he really came over. i was shocked.. strez~ ya intro him to my dearest bro and of coz my dearest doggie.. haha.. yupz~ kinda awkward.. but introductions mostly r, no? =):
when he asked if mi wanna join him, mi strez.. part of mi want to, but part of mi doesnt. i duno y. just a nagging thought. ya so mi grabbed my bro n said mi gotta pei him. wich is true. mi really do miss him (my dear bro). =):
but mi did danced with andy that night.. msged him saying mi need a smoke n a break from the dance floor n asked him to meet mi.. was it because mi didnt drink enough or was there other factors? mi didnt really enjoy dancing with him. maybe it was too hot, maybe it was because of the fat guy in freakin damp, confusing prints shirt, maybe it was the fact that i felt weird without my frenz, maybe it was his friends (mi duno any1), maybe the feelings wasnt right, or maybe it was everything put together. it probably was.:
i think i'v finally figured out y mi rather kiss marc den andy.. because therez no strings attached.. marc will always be my ah gou, a fren i'v known for what felt like eternity. but andy... he might get the wrong idea and junp to conclusions.. yea..
maybe thatz what kept mi from enjoying the dance with andy.. maybe i'v read too much into his actions.. maybe thatz just him.. but mi was uncomfortable when he touched mi, uncomfortable when he hugged mi, uncomfortable when we danced..:
mi was actually glad when he brought mi back to my kor. so glad mi hugged him. heez~kor got lotsa hugs from mi that day. haha.
opps~ look @ the time.. 12 le.. sorrie.. gtg.. will continue tomorrow..cheers~
just got back awhile ago from the docz.. amazing how much one can eat in one dae. heez~ letz see.. cup noodles and a big glass of milk for breakfast, nasi lemak with egg and veg for lunch, added to the list is a pear, crabsticks and crackers.. my god.. the speed mi eat.. haha..
anywayz~supposed to be damn tired by now, actually im, but mi just couldnt bring myself to sleep just yet. went groceries shopping with mommy after going to docz.. so freakin pissed off by her. haiz~ have u ever went supermarketing with someone when ur feelin damn sick? haiz~ shant continue. my hunger was probably brought on by her.
hell~just forget it.
ya..saw popo n ah gong yesterday.. ya my popo is long dead so its quite obvious whose popo n ah gong r they. they didnt see mi though. mi ran away to hide the min mi saw them......ran away so fast....ran and hid...my cous had to check that they are gone before mi agreed to come out.
IM SUCH AN IDIOT!!!!haiz~
feel so fucked up now. but being sick, im not allowed anywhere beyond few metres of my aunt house. saddened...
saw jerz nick. 'u mk mi wanna fall in luv 2'. felt a knife slice through mi. never knew it can hurt more than it already does.. til about 5 mins ago. it seemed to hurt a few million times worse than being sick or gastric or pain in the appendix . cant even find the tears now.
fuck.
haiz~
could someone please
lick my wounds n dry my tears
could someone please
feel my pain n drive off my fears?
i cant take it anymore
wont be able to take another fall
ya~frenz w andy again le.. was chattin w him online.. still blastin 'my boo' nice song.. too sad to go on though. reminded of THE ONE again.
eat more choco.. be happy...
!!!!!THANKS!!!!!TO JIA MEI >.<FOR TEACHING MI HOW TO USE THIS STUPID BLOG.MI REALLY IS A COM IDIOT SO THANX!!! FOR BEING REALLY PATIENT WITH MI (>.<)WITHOUT YOU, MY BLOG WILL BE EVEN PLAINER THAN IT IS NOW.(IT IS STILL PLAIN BUT MI WILL WORK ON IT (^V^)!!THANX!!
cannot believe mi left out this 'BIG' detail in my last post. ya mi sick!!!! argh... 2 days le..
ya on tue @home when mi was trying to eat my dinner, mi realised my throat hurts lyk hell. and mi felt like my whole head's about to explode. before that, in the office, mi already felt real bad. but cannot really pinpoint the problem. and the min mi reached home, mi crashed on my bed.mommy had to wake mi up for dinner. i had to drag myself to the table. no kiddinz..
ya mommy bot mi strepsils to bring to work the next day (which was yst) thinkin it was just sore throat. it din work. @all. it did nothing to even ease the pain a little. strez~ by now mi seriously sick. head is spinning, face is hot, the right side of my throat is swollen and my ears are ringing.
god knows how mi got through the day man.. but mi did, surprisingly (>.<) *pat on shoulder* heez~ ya because of the throat (which hurts even when mi swallow air, even till now..), mi cut down on my biscuit intake. but mi was stil forever hungry. strez~ dont understand y either. after dinner, mommy still had to fry mi an egg. that wasnt enough. no... mi had to gobble another apple in a matter of secs before my stomach is appeased. strez~ of course, mi crashed damn early last night. yupz~n everything still hurts, my throat is stil swollen.. but mi kinda used to it le. the pain is nothing now. mi strong gal! can take it 1 (^v^) ya cant eat anymor choco le.. but! mi will be happi~ will try anyways (>.<) ....derz alwaz a pot of gold @e end of the rainbow....
mi hate reading andy's blog! didnt even know the hell i kept dropping by on his blog whenever mi on a pc. *fuming* so angree at myself. grow up man!(referin to myself)
perhaps it is all for the best. no matter what, things always happens for the best doesnt it? one wil only choose to do what one think is for the best. no?
anywayz~mi just read his blog. funny.. it hurts. but it'l pass. it's for his good. he obviusly has not forget wanling. separating will do us both good. no..? that way we can think about what is it that we really wants. and we obviously do not need each other. mi do not wish to regret my decisions. again. it happened for the best right? it must. for i have nothing more to give. nada zero zilch.. it's all been given to mrbear. hewhonolongerlovesmi..
wanling~ how far her name sounded..how long was it since mi last seen her? mi cant remember at all. probably like a million years ago? the same amount of time mi has not seen mrbear. no... for him it felt more like one of his mia disappearance. but for her, i do not know how to face her.
still stuck in a time warp. unable to get out. unwilling to get out. to let go and start anew, to be reborn. unwilling to forget. to let go of his memories.. sweet sweet memories of the times we spent.. still loved him.. still missing him so.. still needing his touch.. still needing his assurance.. still needing him..
strez~
gotta stop all this nonsense.. eat more choco. be happy! cheer up! you will never lose ur frenz.. u still have something.. u will never lose his memories.. itz engraved so deep sandpaper wont work.. he will alwayz be with u.. in your heart.. u r still GREAT FRENZ..
eat mor choco. stay happy. love ursef.
itz finally over! funny it sounds familiar (>.<) tried as we might, mi doubt it will ever work out. so to shorten the pain bt unfortunately heightened the blow, mi brk up with him 2dae. this morn..
yupz~ seriously, mi tried to feel guilty being the 1 initiating the break up and mi did, when reading his blog. but it didn't last long. mi had too much sugar today to feel down too long. n ya.. like a bird freed mi took to the skies.
hmmm..maybe that's a tad too exaggerating..
heez~ but mi really grateful to AH GOU~ (^v^) for buying mi a strawberrylollie knowing mi feeling stressed out. though he oni get it for mi after much whining, both on msn and in Cheers! heez~ n no choco lollie somemore..
oh well~ *brightens up* @least mi had my sweets (^v^)
yupz~back to the not so happy matters. ya we broke up. mmm.. actually nothing much more to add. or rather, mi don't really get all the stuff he said. sometimes mi wonder if he understands what the hell mi talkin about too as the answers he gave doesnt seems to link to my qns in any way @all.strez~and mi dun really wan to think too much abt it either.
anwz~did i mentioned ah gou bot mi a lollie jux 2 cheer mi up?
hmmm....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
mi thought so too.. (>.<)
She breezed through primary school. She had always did well in school, except Chinese, a language she spoke but could never write. She excelled in the rest of her subjects, topping class in science and maths, having her compos frequently read out to the class. She was enomously contented with life. So easily conceited and complacent.
Her life crashed when the results for PSLE were out. She scored a miserable 222, way below her standard of average 260 in her school exams. That day, she locked herself up in her room and cried the whole day. She knew life was too good to b true. She had neglected her studies due to her grandma's illness. To put it aptly, she used her grandma's illness to break away from it.
she had never liked studying. It bored her.
oopz~auntie called.gtg.cont lat (>.<)
Once upon a time, there lived a gal..
She led a very simple life, an average gal. Like everyone else, she has got enough to eat, to buy necessities and some more to meet her wants.
She was softhearted by nature, a happy-go-lucky gal. But she grew up too fast.She saw cruelty everywhere. To protect herself, she kept everything to herself and created a false front for all to see, to hide all her weaknesses, all her flaws.
In return, she lost e child in her. She appeared strong for all to see. She grew up in a nite. She had to. She was afraid of the big bad world. She continued to have fun but she felt shallow.
Gradually, even that shallow feeling was gone. She had succumbed totally to her mask. It had consumed her.
She was able to take everything in her stride. Nothing seemed 2 bother her. No words seemed to hurt her. No amount of love seemed to be able to move her. She had become a movin statue with no feelings. sticks and stones can break her bones but words can never hurt her.
Soon,she saw her friends getting hurt in relationships and she told herself she was nv goin to love. Never. It will hurt her so why should she venture into it when she wil get hurt? It makes no sense at all. No sense at all...
to be continued...
