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ABOUT = {what i've}
LINKS = {been looking for}
TAG = {all this time}
Love is universal migraine,
A bright stain on the vision
Blotting out reason.
Symptoms of true love
Are leanness, jealousy,
Laggard dawns;
Are omens and nightmares -
Listening for a knock,
Waiting for a sign:
For a touch of her fingers
In a darkened room,
For a searching look.
Take courage, lover!
Could you endure such pain
At any hand but hers?
Robert Graves
in the silence of the night,
padded barefoot monsters
with spiked shoulders,
and three eyed demon
wherein when its mouth was wide opened,
sprang three green hued serpents.
in the silence of the night,
danced misty shadows
w flickering lights.
riots of sounds whispered from plugged ears
as the body twirled round and round
in dizzying circles,
running from seeding doubts.
what a night.
cant people actually have a lil private time in the car without interruptions?
first, there were the muds.
who hung out in front of e car and slacked around.
they stood there in groups and started boogying,
took them friggin long to decide to leave the place.
when we resumed our interrupted fun, a man walked past the car.
and silly boy saw him make a detour and creep to the car.
wtf.
he, apparently, was crawling on fours (on fours!) to the car to peep on us.
but walked off pretending nothing was wrong when he realised that silly boy saw him.
thanks to him, we realised it was damn late, so we decided to leave.
i must say that silly boy has got damn good eyesight la.
he spotted the man crouching by another car.
silly boy honked.
that pervert had the nerves to pretend that nothing was wrong and continued to peep into the other car.
we were halfway to e exit when silly boy honked again.
this time, the man ran off.
it was quite funny.
silly boy even drove up to that car to warn them of the peeping tom.
he found the whole thing super hilarious.
he thought i was in shock when i just gaped at him.
i didn't think it was that funny, but silly boy's reaction was so unexpected.
he was so damn gay about the whole thing.
so exciting! says he.
his laughter was so contagious, we laughed the whole way to my doorstep.
i dont think i'll forget the scene where the man legged it for all he's worth out of the carpark.
or silly boy's excitment over the whole thing.
i bet mark thinks it was so damn funny too.
in love or lust?
i dont know.
all i remember are..
his eyes.
droopy, dopey, almost crossed, focused on my face
right before he kissed me.
his lashes.
so pretty i cant stop staring@.
prettier than mine.
his breath.
sent tingles up and down my spine,
his breath mingled w mine,
ours.
his lips.
soft, lazy, demanding, light, hungry.
turned my brain into mush,
till i couldnt think, couldnt breathe,
only crave for more.
lips against my palms, forehead,
healing, loved.
his hands.
reassuring solid, a man's in mine.
smooth against my cheeks,
firm against my lips.
his smell.
intoxicating.
his cologne.
dissy in love.
love or lust.
is there really a difference?
u know u'r screwed when u smell him
no matter where,
when,
whith who,
whatever u were doing.
u know u'r screwed when
no matter the time,
the place,
the company,
when u scent his scent,
even when he's nowhere near,
ur insides tighten
and ur heart squeezed and skipped a beat.
how long can we smile goofy smiles at each other?
he said he's afraid to lose me.
how can u lose what u never had?
m afraid for mom.
what if she never wakes?
m afraid of new beginnings
i dont get what he saw in mi, likewise, i also dont know what i saw in him.
what if it doesnt work out?
m tired of being afraid.
so m gonna plunge into the swirling mess of emotions called a "relationsip".
been bouncing this ball round my head for days.
studies. psych. childcare. profiler.
panda said that gov's gonna pass a law saying that only peps w masters in psych can pract.
wtf.
anyways, i decided to do some research.
but i was late in going to the lib, so i grabbed the thinnest book on psych.
thinnest cause i m afraid of brain damage.
i think my brain's hemorrhaging words.
i mean, wtf's polymorphously perverse?
cant the author write the damn book in simple eng that can b understood?
ble.
i checked the bloody dictionary every other min.
not only that, the sentence structure's confusing.
it's like the guy delibrately used 10 chim, long words when 5 simple ones could've done the job.
hell.
i checked up ''polymorphously"
it shoulda been polymorphous perversity.
i'd this perverse satisfaction to know that that dingdong was wrong.
the cat's barthday's coming up.
maybe i should really just buy her that backscratcher thing.
it cant be ex right?
i'm so friggin broke.
i realised the only person who really bought any1 bday present was jing.
every1 else just dump present choosing to every1 else.
since she's kinda out of the pix, by default, somehow, present choosing+buying fall into my lap.
damn.
pain.
unbearable pain. a sheen of perspiration. so much pain.
i thought i saw stars. burst of colors swirled round my eyes, eyes that were shut tight against the pain.
clenched fists clutching the sheets desperately.
the pain escalated, waves and waves of pain, a tsunami crashed against the shore.
at its peak, unable to move, to even scream.
time dragged by...
seconds ticked by...
minutes...
felt like hours.
i hid. hid in the deep recess of my mind.
blessed silence.
where the pain does not hurt anymore.
how should i describe it?
i floated.
waves of pain still rolled off me, but couldnt touch me.
i stood on the edge, unsure which way to fall,
to lose conscience or to come back to reality?
i chose reality.
too much of a coward to enter the darkness.
i might not want to return.
and so she came back to reality,
to find herself drenched in perspiration,
her nails had left half cresent dent in one palm
and her other had tore out the pillow case.
she came back to herself slowly,
she unclenched her fists carefully,
straightened her body slowly.
too tired to move further, she laid there and waited for the next waves of pain to hit.
mom just got back from jap last night.
now everything's back to normal.
damn.
no more fagging or drinking in bed.
in her bed anyways.
this was the 1st time i got the whole place to myself.
never ever in my 23years have i ever been left at home ALONE for more than a few hours.
i couldn't sleep the 1st night. haha.
scaredy cat.
i realised that my ocd intensifies the farther mom's from mi.
i cleaned the house every goddamn day i was home.
maybe i was just bored.
i found myself looking at the clock and thinking 16:30 nearly here.
then remembered mom's in jap.
but i survived.
so i slept with a tea light.
and the bathroom light the 1st night.
okay, okay. 2nd night too.
but i survived.
even with the dead lizard i unearthed while cleaning the house.
even with a funeral wake in the void deck.
i survived.
sudden urge to run away and live alone
had 'teh o iced less sugar' w the cat and the apnn last wed.
we were supposed to have a really short coffee before we mug to finish the cat's flipbook. submission was on the next day, thur
-.-"
best part was that we coffeed till about 3+, during which we agreed that sg boys are all so whiny that if ever there's a war, they'll cry for their mummys
and their mummys will pat their heads,
sigh,
and take up arms.
if ever there's a war, apnn'll be the garang one and just chiong ah.
the cat will hide in a very leafy shrub.
and i will borrow military strategy books.
now that i've got some time to bounce things in my head, contrary to what we predicted,
i think i'll probably be the first to go.
a spider falls onto the book on my lap.
i scream.
pang.
dead.
hehe.
anyways, the cat (to apnn):" u so garang, u'll just chiong then kena bullets and die."
apnn :" if kena arms, still can move, ok whats, if kena here (points to forehead), then got problem la."
-.-"
the cat :" then i'll probably be so emo, i'll shoot myself."
we then decided to explore if apnn did not die.
she'll use up her ammunition damn fast.
so she'll borrow bullets from the cat, who's supposed to be a shrub.
the enemies'll scratch their head wondering why the fk is she talking to a shrub and shoot both the shrub and her.
the cat thinks i'll survive the war, walk over to the bastard who offed them, and kick his very dead arse.
oh man, lack of sleep and too much tea is not very good on the brain.
i've not laughed so hard in too long a time.
red. the color of my hands.
flash of silver as the chopper fell.
and fell. and fell. and fell.
the sound of metal hitting bones.
thud. thud. thud.
again and again.
the tortured cries,
the desperate pleas.
unhearing. unseeing. uncaring.
laughter bubbled up my throat.
he he. hiccups. he he he.
the roaring increased decibels in my ears, my head.
fuck. will someone please just answer the fucking door?
i cant hear past the pounding.
wait.
is that my head that's pounding?
or my heart?
what heart?
what heart... what heart...
they laughed at me.
look down, look down...
look down, look down...
my heart.
